Saturday we had to go back to hospital to see another consultant to check for sure my placenta was not low lying and to start the process of delivery.
As we go to the room they had reserved for me we were told the consultant was dealing with an emergency and would be with us as soon as he could. It starts to hit home a little more. He’s dealing with an emergency of a live birth so to stop another baby death because my baby is already dead and we aren’t anyone’s priority because my baby has all the time in the world to arrive.
The consultant concluded from yesterdays scan the placenta wasn’t an issue and I was all set for a vaginal delivery. He explained if I was to have a csection instead of a low horizontal cut due to Elva’s gestation and size I would have to be cut vertically and it would impact future pregnancies and my recovery, also being potentially risky.
I opted for vaginal delivery which would actually be a VBAC for me. My options where a tablet to stop my body producing progesterone then 36-48 later pessaries to soften my cervix and dilate it. Or I could go straight to pessaries.
I opted for the tablet as my previous labours weren’t exactly short and it gave me more time! I asked to go home afterwards which the hospital advised me against but I was adamant. I was told any pain or bleeding to go straight back and if needs be by ambulance.
Once I was home on the Saturday not a lot happened I only had to return on the Monday so a lot more crying occurred. On Sunday I was on autopilot. I packed some essentials into a bag and then sought support. Through talking to friends I had decided what I wanted.
Before Sunday I was feeling raw. I wanted nothing to do with the planned birth I had wanted and I didn’t even want to think about what I had planned. I felt bitter!
By 2pm on Sunday I realised there was no reason not to have my birth I wanted! I could wear the same nightie, I could have the same control and Elva could still use belongings meant for her. I crocheted her a gown because the smallest outfits we had were tiny baby and for babys 4lb heavier! I packed her blanket I lovingly crocheted months earlier meant for her pram. I packed my nightie I had bought especially to birth in. I packed an amber necklace I had bought her to wear from birth for teething and lastly I packed a fleece blanket also bought especially for Elva.
I planned out my new birth. I still wanted skin to skin, I wanted to hold her after birth and I didn’t want to bathe her. These I knew.
Monday morning came very quickly and off we went again to be induced. Up to this point the drug they gave me to block my hormones had made me uterus shrink slightly but at same time I looked almost bigger than had up till that point. Weird.
As we went up to the delivery suite we saw a newborn baby girl in the lift with her very happy dad. It was a blow I held it together long enough to not make him feel awkward then burst into tears as he left the lift.