Bravery

From the beginning one thing I heard a lot was you’re so brave, you’re a very strong woman, I’m amazed by your courage.

I have told countless people countless times I’m none of those things yet they keep being uttered. why? are these people insane!

No they are telling the truth. Many days I feel a mess, beyond brave and a tiny bit pathetic. So why I and thousands, millions like me brave and courageous.

We made ourselves ready

We weren’t ready to meet our baby’s when we did. Some were ready unaware the tragic way that day would end not ready to meet their baby in ‘that’ way. Still against that adversity we got ourselves ready in mere seconds. We loved that baby with all our heart and will continue to do so for eternity. We faced telling people what happened, we faced the world again, we woke up everyday that’s a HUGE achievement at this time and many have gone on to have rainbow baby’s. I’m at a point I’d love more. Elva was wanted and it hasn’t changed our desire for a baby to live with us but the idea of going through another pregnancy is scary but many do it over and over.

rainbow-baby

image borrowed from: http://www.edspire.co.uk

Despite the trauma we continue to cherish the happier times

It’s  difficult to not dwell on the what ifs, whys and let yourself sink a  little more each day. We are constantly fighting to get to the top for some air before being pulled back down. We push against the negatives to try reach the positives.

We remember our baby’s and never forget them. They  belong to us for a lifetime and we proudly show them off each year it getting easier to do so.

We live with it

We all grieve differently, we all cope with trauma differently and we don’t all feel the same at the same point of this journey. I see many women years on and they are still in deep sorrow and I see others only months on already in a happier place. The one thing we all have in common is we’re all alive still. We’re still here and I’d like to think we are because we have hope that one day we will feel better. Many are surrounded by enough to love to want to remain living and that in itself is a brave choice.. trust me.

We honour our children

Many parents try raise awareness of the condition their child died of, some raise  awareness of stillbirth in general , some raise money to donate to charities, a woman I know raised money for a cold cot for her local hospital to help other parents have longer with their baby.

Some don’t do any of that. They honour their children by remembering them, talking about them, loving them, missing them and when a friend experiences the same loss they are there for them.

No action honouring is better than the other but to do so is brave because to remember is to never forget the pain and the sadness. To raise awareness and talk about it is to remember it happened, to accept you went through that and to deal with the fact someone  else is and how that may bring up memories for them.

We talk about it and share our children

This sort of goes back to the previous point but talking to friends who have gone through same I realise now how painful that must have been for them. The ones who have talked me through this and keep my above water I realise how hard it must be for them to see my pain and my grief remembering when they felt same and possibly even relive those memories. They may wish to take a step back so as not to sink themselves but they’ve been there. I hope I’m never there for anyone ever but the sad truth is most likely I will be and I hope that I am able to help them and give them hope that they have love, support and a future.

By sharing pictures and memories parents risk hate. Some people may find picture disturbing it may test their own feelings about child death and it may make some face that yes it does happen when they can happily pretend it doesn’t affect them.

We face losing friends because they feel we aren’t moving on fast, they feel we should be over this by now. But they aren’t true friends and I’ve not faced this yet but I have seen so many go through this insensitivity.

I hope one day looking at others bravery and courage I’m able to see that in myself. There’s so many reasons why people say you’re brave reasons I’m struggling to know or voice but I see it very clearly in others.

tracy

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