three weeks on

Almost three weeks since the birth and just over since I was told Elva was gone.

I feel no guilt at this point. As previously posted I did what I did with the information I had at the time and I can’t be guilty for doing my best at the time. But I still have many regrets.

I am biding my time and waiting for a 6 weeks check up at the hospital. At this appointment they will go over why this happened, results from swabs and bloods they took from me, Elva and the placenta. They will also tell me what they plan to do next time to prevent this happening ever again. Most likely will also advise me when I can start trying for another baby.

I’ve been assured many times I will get extra care and I will be treated high risk and it’s unlikely the same outcome will occur. This is a small comfort. You don’t wish anyone to go through this and to know it shouldn’t happen to you again is good. However I still feel anger that this needed to happen at all. I feel anger that women aren’t give more scans and taken more seriously when they are worried. I almost resent the fact I will get that extra care when if they gave it as standard so many baby’s could be saved.

There are a few women at the same point in their journey as me and we’re all so different but the same. Everyone grieves differently and for me I’m very eager and impatient to feel ok again to feel more positive and get past this stage. Others can’t move past the immense pain and guilt just yet and I’m not quite past it either but I am trying and for me its what I need to do.

At first knowing others have gone through it and you’re not alone is kinda nice you can get advice and hope but rest of the time it fills me with dread and sadness that so many baby’s die.

Today I woke and didn’t want to cry as soon as I opened my eyes. I don’t expect this is the start of better mornings but for today I feel better than have and that’s good! Writing this blog so far has helped me.

You may have noticed I’ve not put any full shots of Elva on or any pictures showing her face. You may or may not wonder why. The reason I haven’t is she’s so precious to me, so beautiful that I want to hold onto that a bit longer. I get ONE chance to show her off and I won’t ever get that chance back. She looks ‘normal’, perfectly formed and not scary or disgusting but for now she’s mine and only mine. Most exciting part she will soon be on my wall in a frame and on a canvas so I can see that beauty daily and smile. Currently she’s my screensaver on my phone so I can see her whenever I like.

tracy

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