After death before birth: 1

I’ve been asked if I plan to write about the days I carried Elva before delivery. I had touched on this on my The next day’s post but I decided to try go in more depth.

Friday 10th October

I woke for the first time without worrying if Elva would move and if she would move enough. Most mornings I did worry. I went to playgroup and I spoke with mums about how Elva was being considered small and I was worried but trying not to be. I thought ahead to her birth wishing it to hurry a little faster.

Around 10am I held another mums baby wondering what Elva would look like and be like. How excited I was to bring her here and feeling impatient. It was then I thought I’m holding 2 baby’s right now………… and mine hasn’t moved all morning.

The previous days reduced movements hadn’t occurred to me at this time I was just attempting to not worry like I always did.

Since Elva passing I realise how much of my mind is occupied with knowing the time. Its weird how vividly I can recall exact times during this time.

Even after I got home, tried the doppler and even by 5pm making tea I was shaking, worried and scared but I still had hope. Hope keeps you going it convinces you it will be ok and it slaps your fear down saying you just sod off.

When midwife came she got an ecg machine out. You know the 2 belts to pop on your belly with the big round doppler. I remember thinking isn’t this a waste of time shouldn’t she just be checking with a hand held doppler first. I’d hate her to think she’d wasted time collecting it and setting it up.

After she couldn’t find Elva’s heartbeat I imagined a teeny tiny baby in my tummy hidden behind something ready to pop out and go boo. We needed to find a way to get to hospital I had an internal battle of who to ring. Would my mum be mad I had rung at this time to ask for help and if Elva started kicking would she be more annoyed it wasn’t needed. Then we thought of ringing my partners mum but I was worried my mum would be annoyed I hadn’t rung. I imagined ringing her up after saying oh we had a scare but we’re ok and her wondering why she wasn’t rung to help.

I wondered if she would be hurt if Elva was dead and I hadn’t rung. In the end I rung my mum.

The journey was very silent. I was scared, waiting for a kick so we could turn around and say phew! Nothing came. No words would come out I didn’t know what to say I was too scared I would implode. So I sat trying not to cry.

At one point  I thought I felt her move. I decided to not worry because I’d soon see her on a scan alive and well.

We got to the hospital and I burst into tears. I said why me, why now, why not at the beginning. Why did she make me love her for so long to then leave me like this.

I got into the delivery ward and I got the pity looks like they knew. Like we all knew this wasn’t going to end well. I got into the room and the midwife said we won’t bother trying to find heartbeat we will go straight to a scan to save stressing you more than you are. I nodded. You know its serious when they give you a scan.

In trooped 2 consultants and a midwife. Again I felt scared. Why so many people this was all a bad mistake I’d be home soon they didn’t need to have so many staff with me.

Even after the news I was reassuring others I told the consultant its ok. She was shaking when scanning me afraid for me. She was genuinely upset for me and the following days she struggled to just say what was needed because it seemed so cold and tragic and I knew she cared too much to get it wrong.

Next part: After death before birth: 2

tracy

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