After my scan to confirm Elva’s heart had stopped I felt calm. I cried I felt upset but I was calm.
I felt this can’t be true and was like a cruel twist of fate. Our first girl after 2 boys someone was having a laugh and I’m sorry but life isn’t that cruel so no I wouldn’t let this happen.
I told my mum it’s a good job I had left tags on clothes and we probably weren’t ready for a baby anyway.
I asked the consultant if I could have prevented this, were my choices the cause. She looked at me with a face of mild shock and almost fear. She said now isn’t the time for that question. I decided she was right and I actually really didn’t need to know right now because of course it was my fault. I often mull over why she chose to answer in that way. Why not say we don’t know anything at this stage. Why not say yes or no. I’ll never know but I do feel that nothing I could have done alone could have changed this.
After I was told I could stay or go home I opted to go home. I knew I needed to go home. I needed to see my boys and prove to myself I had succeeded in the past. I needed to know I was loved and I needed not to be alone.
That night I was heartbroken. I cried and cried and cried all night. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to be interacted with. I wanted to touch my bump but worried my partner would think its creepy or that I was in denial. I wanted to hide because I had a dead baby in my belly and it somehow seemed wrong I still held her there.
To me it seemed so right she was still with me. I had some time to say gooodbye to my bump to feel her close. The lack of movement was only thing indicating she wasn’t ok but even that didn’t seem strange. Even though at this point it was close to 24 hours with no movement I still thought she might just kick for me.
That night I got more loss of blood and not sure what. I was getting niggly pains and remember thinking no stop I need more time.
Saturday 11th October
We woke to go to hospital again. I don’t remember how I felt that morning I think I was on auto pilot. We arrived and we had a talk, had a giggle. It almost seemed fine.
The consultant came in and my mood changed. His pity face like so many others. Again with another consultant and a midwife. He said you just want this over with and to move on don’t you. I remember feeling angry. No I didn’t want to move on I wanted to remember forever.
That day I felt I knew what I wanted but I felt pushed into decisions by others. The consultant gave me 3 choices. Have a section.. no, or have pessaries every 3 hours for 12 hours then have a break and repeat, or have an oral pill to block hormones wait 36-48 hours and then have pessaries.
He warned us that pessaries over oral tablet wasn’t necessarily quicker. I wanted the tablet to give me more time and it seemed the sensible option too. My companions thought I should opt for the pessaries. I didn’t feel strong enough to argue so agreed.
We told consultant and he said we advise the oral tablet. I felt a fool why not just say that then give me no options and I felt a fool because that had been my original choice anyway!
I started to feel sleepy. I hadn’t slept much and there wasn’t a lot else to do. So I dozed on and off. Eventually around 2pm we got the tablet. As it was a Saturday and in general it’s not something needed all too often we had to wait for a pharmacist to come especially to prescribe it and it had taken some time.
Not a lot was happening so I asked to go home.
The midwife came to speak to me and I said I’m going home. I know you can’t make me stay and I won’t agree.
The consultant said they prefer me to stay because of the risk of bleeding and giving birth at home. But I insisted. She asked me what I planned to do. It seemed odd question so I replied put my kids to bed. I didn’t know I just knew I wasn’t staying there for 48 hours on my own. Locked away.
At this point I felt achey. My hips hurt and I was getting pains. My belly felt heavy and I just felt deep sadness and the need to escape!