It never ends

Once you’ve delivered the baby, planned and had funeral you may feel lost and useless like there’s nothing left to do but actually there’s so much it’s kind of tiring.

Memory Box

At this point I’ve bit and bobs that I’ve collected and I’ve a few boxes to use. Now is the time to decorate the plain one and make it something special to open when I feel lost, when I need to smile and to share with my children.

Scrapbook

I plan to create a scrapbook of Elva. Her pregnancy, the happy times, the sad and future events we do in her memory. We also wish to compile all her pictures in an album all 483 of them.

Headstone

Elva resting place is under a tree in a beautiful church yard and currently has flowers. We now need to sort her headstone as they take a while to make. It may not be the Christmas present I imagined getting for her first Christmas but I want to make it pretty before the year ends.

Pictures

In hospital a photographer came in from a website called Now I lay me down to sleep. That phrase ran round my head endlessly before the funeral. They are professionals who volunteer to take professional shots of your baby for free. They usually take 4 weeks to send them at which point you get some pried and a CD with the rest on.

I also wish to get some pictures printed for my frames and canvas or two for my living room.

Necklace

A lot of baby loss mums buy jewellery in form of charms, necklaces, bracelets, rings etc

I plan to get hand and foot print charms on a necklace so I can carry a piece of her with me always.

The ‘nursery’

We never had a nursery which in some ways makes this harder because I can’t just shut it out. Elva was to share with her youngest big brother so we had put clothes and items in there. Now I have to put them away before she used them. Some things perhaps will never get used. At least I won’t need to shop next time…..

Debrief

The hospital should contact us in the next month to determine if they can tell us cause of death and how we can hope to avoid this again. I’ve also written to the hospital I had my boys to see if similar issue was ever present. With this information I plan to write a letter. Not of complaint but a letter.

Trying

The next thing you start to think about is I NEED a baby I wanted my baby and I still want a baby. The question of when is personal and some find they just can’t face it. We hope to have more children so watch this space.

The first year

Usually such a special time of many firsts you document, celebrate and enjoy. What about when the baby doesn’t survive. You maybe don’t enjoy or celebrate those firsts but you still experience them and probably I’ll wonder what we would have done with Elva, how old she would have been and cry.

What I’ve still to face

I’ve still to face the school run with 2 of my oldest child’s classmates expecting siblings.

People I don’t always see but know I was pregnant.

Periods. Each one reminding me I no loner have Elva.

Christmas when we’d hoped she would make an early appearance

Elva’s due date.

And those are just over the next 2 months.

tracy

 

 

 

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