Never the same

There’s lots of things you’re told after  the death of a child and one is “you will never be the same, life will never be the same for you again ever again”.

And it’s  true.

For everyone the changes are different and I’m sure the changes occur for years to come and maybe never stop.

From  day one you’re certain the main change is you will never smile, laugh or feel any kind of joy again. You do. The bad is still there and there isn’t more good than bad at first but you do smile.

It’s surprising how quickly you accept your situation. You never stop wishing your baby back and at times you almost forget! Very quickly you go from wishing them alive to wishing your time after their birth back. As awful as it is having a stillbirth and holding this tiny person then leaving them behind you start to crave that time back because it’s all you had.

Those hilarious jokes about death and wishing someone dead in frustration suddenly seem very different. They were never funny but they leave you speechless now. You wonder what the hell people are thinking making jokes like that.

The pregnancy April fools, the I’m expecting (Santa) posts make your heart leap into your throat you feel sick! I shook reading one because yes I felt jealous and upset.

Your priorities change. You start to look at your life and question a lot of your previous beliefs and actions.

You suddenly realise the preciousness of life. You start to take nothing for granted. I knew before Elva there was no ‘safe’ time now I know there isn’t!

You start to take no s**t off people. I haven’t the energy to be called names, be blocked on Facebook and worry about silly things in others lives right now. Unless I like you then I care. This is something I expect to change. It’s still raw right now. It’s not about being a horrible person it’s about finding more importance in my life.

You learn who really cares. You learn people want a piece of the ‘action’. You learn friendships are stronger than family connections and for me many times over I’ve learnt blood family ties can be stronger than legal connections.

tracy

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