I’ve mentioned a few times I was told to have no regrets since delivering Elva and I don’t.
But I still have regrets from before her death, during her pregnancy.
I mean everything. I shouldn’t have cycled, I shouldn’t have jumped, I shouldn’t have lifted that basket of washing.
I should have expressed my fears, I should have got myself checked out sooner, I should have asked more questions.
I should have known.
I even started to wish I had never gotten pregnant but then how would I have met the tiniest most perfect beauty. Simply I wouldn’t.
Why did I buy all that stuff
Well you do when pregnant.
How did I not sense I didn’t need it and save myself wasting so much money!! I would have saved myself from the heartache of needing to sort it out, get rid or just put away.
I feel so stupid. But hey I won’t need much next time.
I feel so stupid and embarrassed
Why? Well because I got excited for Elva. I planned stuff knowing she would be with us. I bought stuff for her. I set stuff up for her arrival despite still having 3 months left. I acted like she would be ok like nothing would go wrong. But in reality I was scared I felt every day was a success a step closer to the grand prize. I was so sure something would go wrong but not for a minute thinking it would yet I never told anyone, I never sought support for my worries, I never demanded extra checks and I cancelled a scan. If I had told more people my fears maybe I would feel less stupid that I planned ahead.
I feel people will think I was cocky and will laugh. I feel like people will look at my bumpless body and think she failed. She’s not a proper woman her baby died! Her womb doesn’t work. How can she be trusted to grow baby’s how did she manage to grow 2 healthy ones already.
I feel embarrassed to go out without Elva. She’s been with me for 6 months then suddenly she’s gone and I’m alone once again.
Of course no-one thinks this but it’s how I feel and I can’t shake it.
What I’d change next time
You can’t undo what’s done. You can’t go back and change it and who knows what point you would change to make this different anyway. The 2nd week after Elva I started to think what would I do next time. It kind of helps but then you feel guilty you didn’t do more this time.
I will seek help at any tiny niggle whether it was there or not
Any spotting I will demand a scan
I will get a video of a 4d scan so I had something of when my child was alive
I will paint my bump earlier on
I will express my fears to anyone who will listen and care
I will ask more questions and demand more answers
These thoughts lead me to thinking about what I did do right with Elva. I did my own research finding medical documents to back up my own opinion on my care. I asked questions about information I was given, it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t given the right information to ask the right questions.
I informed my care provider of my spotting and I was checked out.
I tried to do best by Elva. I cancelled my growth scan because the consultant told me she wasn’t worryingly small but they wanted to just check she had steady growth. I cancelled it because I was worried they would try worry us unnecessarily and I worry it would lead to induction at term which carries it’s own risk. Oh how I wish all I had to worry about was an induction now.
I never took anything I didn’t need. I didn’t drink and I don’t smoke. I tried to be a little fitter and eat better for Elva’s sake
I vowed to trust people. I knew I wasn’t growing but other said I looked like I had so I trusted them.
It doesn’t mean I’m to blame. It doesn’t mean anyone else is either. I will however always find reason to feel guilty and be to blame. I was told if I didn’t love I wouldn’t feel so bad determined to blame myself.
It doesn’t make me a bad person I didn’t do more because at the time I didn’t know I needed to do more I did what I did because it was right at the time!