Thursday After birth

On the Wednesday I did one of the hardest things EVER.

You think the day you’re told is hardest then you realise you have to give birth and that’s  the new hardest.

Then you have to leave them behind. For me THAT was the hardest. Walking away, guilty, empty, upset,  desolate, lost of hope. The world functions round you and you still have to get out the hospital safely.

This action began my silence. I got through Wednesday evening and Thursday by being silent. Then the evening descended.

I realised that time last week Elva had been alive possibly telling me she needed help and I ignored her. My guilt shot through the roof and I flipped, literally.

I was trying to tell my partner why I was guilty. He wasn’t listening he was like everyone else not listening telling me it wasn’t my fault. OK so maybe I didn’t  cause it but I didn’t prevent it either, that’s exactly the same and still makes me guilty.

I pushed a table over with a full mug of tea on it. My partner went mad. I screeched and screamed. He was frustrated. A plate was smashed and I walked out.

I didn’t get far I took only a picture of Elva, in my pjs and bright coral dressing gown. Crying loudly as I made my way to a path. I was desperate I NEEDED to be with Elva.

Hmmm wonder if I could commission a see through freezer and keep her.

It started to rain so I went back.

My partner was on the phone to my mum. This never goes well for me  so I packed all my memories into a bag. One single bag with spare room that’s all I had left of her. I put on my coat this time and I left.

I was gone over an hour this time. I went to the churchyard where Elva would be buried. I cried and whispered I don’t want this I don’t want you here. Then I half decided she would need to be under a tree. It felt right, magical, protective, beautiful.

It got to the point I needed to be practical. Ladies you will know 3 days post baby is not the time to go out without protection or a change of protection so I admitted defeat and went home a 2nd time.

Things hadn’t improve but I was tired so sat out the front. The neighbours had a good nose. Bearing in mind it was 11.30pm why weren’t they in bed instead of staring at me. If they knew what I had endured would they stop staring, would they understand and sympathise.

Eventually I came in and somehow slept that night. Pleased to say I’ve not flipped again.

tracy

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