Too much

It’s hard to describe how this feels. You can’t explain to yourself how you feel and you can’t explain to those who have been through it how it feels so how can I explain to those who haven’t.

Majority know it must feel horrible they can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to lose their child.

The thing that strikes me the most when trying to explain is it’s just too much.

It feels huge. Like an unpoppable bubble growing inside of you. Some days the bubble is small other days it’s too big and you feel an immense pain but without any sensation. You don’t feel it as pain you just know it’s there.

It is such an immense pain it sort of numbs you. You find yourself staring thinking of nothing. Coming back from your daydream confused.

It’s often too much to process. You can’t possibly make anyone understand because you don’t know yourself. You feel so many different things all at the same time and sometimes those feelings contradict each other. You feel like a crazy loon whose whole life is one big mess.

I walk around and I see babies and baby items. I feel sad and major broodiness thinking I want a baby so badly. Then I remember I had a baby, I still have a baby, I’m just not with her. Then it hits me “my baby died”. For me I don’t know what it is about those words but when I think of them it’s like someone just punched me really really hard.

When you think of death you consider it part of life. When you think of stillbirth it’s almost a horror something that is hard to show to the world. All people saw was a bump they saw no baby. They saw an experience end but not a life. When you think of a child dying its awful an innocent person died through no fault of their own and generally no-one else was to blame either.

The smallest things triggers memories. I put Leif’s hair in a bobble today as his fringe was in his eyes and I cried. He looked how I would imagine Elva to look in 2 year time.

Even talking about Leif’s birthday is hard because reminds me of how much I have lost recently.

Seeing Christmas items in shops kills me a little more each time. We had hoped Elva would be here for her very first Christmas. Instead I’m hoping she has her headstone in time.

I missed her first Halloween because I was such a mess. We had been away and hadn’t been able to get a pumpkin or anything. I will never get that back.

It’s ok some days it is what it is but some days its just TOO MUCH

tracy

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