Bittersweet

Sometimes in death there is happy moments. Happy moments that wouldn’t happen without the death and these are bittersweet.

Some less than happy thoughts I’ve had since Elva that make me cry but may please someone else not going through this grief.

At least I’ve less washing: We used to use cloth nappies. I got fed up with washing them but carried on because we could save money with 2 eventually being in nappies. After Elva’s death I washed them all and put them away. I’ve less washing from not washing nappies and I don’t have Elva’s clothes and items to wash either because they were never used.

I don’t need a new winter coat: My coat wasn’t fitting my bump so well it was becoming more like a corset at least now I don’t need to worry about being cold cos it zips up better than ever.

I’m not being woken: This is a small lie. Leif my youngest still wakes at least once a night. However I won’t need to get up every 2-3 hours to feed a baby, no poopy nappies in the night, no risk of waking the not so great sleeper Leif up and having 2 awake. If I don’t hear Leif or he doesn’t wake I get to continue getting good amount of sleep every night.

I can see my toes: I couldn’t see them 3 weeks ago, I can see my bits too (cheeky) and I can reach my legs. Hell I can even touch my damn toes now! I also fit into clothes I haven’t fit for months. I fit stuff I haven’t fit even before I got pregnant. Amazing what grief does to your figure

I can lie on my front except I shouldn’t be able to and would rather sleep uncomfy on my side than admit I can sleep more comfy on my front.

I can lift, climb and run I’ve no risk of falling, jiggling a baby too much or pulling anything. I can lie on my tummy without a wiggly Elva protesting. I can even run up the stairs now.

My body is my own no sore nipples, no tears or stitches from birth, no aches and pains, no heaviness. I can lie on my back without an approx 1lb 5oz weight resting on it.

I can drink and take medicine nothing was stopping me before but I don’t drink in pregnancy, I don’t take many medicines either. Now I can take what I like.

What I’d give for all these privileges to be taken away once more for just one more hour with Elva.

tracy

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