I’ve had a miscarriage (MC) at 5 weeks in 2011 and Elva is my first stillbirth.
When I had Elva some very well meaning people let me know they had an miscarriage and even though didn’t know what I was going through could sympathise except many didn’t know I also had been through this.
For me the two were vastly different. So far removed from each other my miscarriage seemed like nothing more than a bad period in comparison.
When I had my MC I knew something wasn’t right. I was spotting (sound familiar?) and felt very constipated. I had this awful pain high on my tummy. No one would listen to my worry though. A few days later the spotting got heavier and we decided it as time to go to hospital.
Hospital wanted me back the next day for a scan. We were left in limbo but somehow I knew.
Next day we went in. Sure enough my empty womb glared on the screen. She asked if I wanted to see? Erm… no thanks. I’d rather not face the failure.
Next came a blood test my levels were 85 at a suspected 5 weeks so classed as a positive.
Now I will add here this was 23rd December so rather rubbish timing to hear this news.
My reaction to this was I shut off (again sound familiar?) I stormed off and spent about £100 on toys that were never played with. My MC was my 2nd pregnancy we had Jem by then. I refused to think of the pregnancy as more than a lump of cells and wouldn’t refer to ‘it’ as a baby. I was angry this had happened and felt cursed.
I lost hope of another baby after wanting one for 3 years. I lost faith in my body and decided obviously I wasn’t to have more kids. I felt sad.
That Christmas was one of our best. I can’t tell you how but I can tell you why.
We made the best of it. We made sure we had fun and we loved each other. I was physically delicate but it was a fab day!
Over the next 2 months I felt sadness, anger and despair because I wanted a baby and I wasn’t pregnant. Everyone tells you it happens for a reason and MC’s happen because something was wrong. For me that helped for many it doesn’t.
At this point I gave up and looked into getting a dog. Did you guess next part? Leif was conceived. The whole give up thing really works.
Compared to Elva the MC was easy. It happened so early and I knew before testing things weren’t right. I didn’t get attached.
With Elva I started to feel safe. I didn’t have a bad period and move on. I laboured and birthed a body. I met a person I had grown to love from the moment I took her test. I met this face and I fell further and further.
I had to register her birth and death. By law she’s valid and real. I was at the point of planning my birth to a live baby. I could feel her daily. I even saw the bumps she made from the outside on occasion.
I’m scared I may have another miscarriage in the future. I’d prefer an MC to a stillbirth but both possibilities petrify me. My MC I grieved for a loss of a desire with Elva I’m grieving for the loss of love.
Since Leif came along I made peace with my MC I no longer think so coldly about it all. It was a person and it was my baby. But… without that MC I would never have met Leif that is something I could never wish to be different.
Elva is different. Yes I will meet another child of mine I never thought I would. Yes that will be wonderful BUT I met Elva too and I would never wish that away. Right now I’d rather Elva than an unknown baby. In time I’ll wish I had them both and find myself wanting to have been able to keep them both.