Belief

I believe that a person’s belief changes how they view the world.

I can’t imagine 2 people having the exact same beliefs. But a lot of ideas and teachings rely on more than 1 person having that belief.

When you experience death or loss belief can get people through and for some it can spark a belief they never had before.

I had never considered what I believe much before I  was 12 when I lost someone truly close an at that age you don’t think about it  as much as an adult. You certainly  think about it more when that loss is your child.

For me it was difficult having no belief. I feared where my daughters soul and spirit was. Was it still with her and she saw me leave her behind. Did she not understand and felt scared and alone.

It didn’t help my guilt one bit.

The change for me came when she came home and left again. I imagined her laid under  that earth, frightened, not knowing why we put her there. Did  she know she had died and couldn’t stay with us. It had to stop or I would drive myself crazy.

For years I’ve been interested in fairies not the Tinkerbell kind more Brian Froud. So that is my focus to create a faery friendly environment so Elva always has play mates. The thing with faeries is thy make you forget all sense of time and you forget yourself. She need never know we’re apart, she need never know loneliness or fear. Only fun.

However since her being home I feel an even stronger connection to her. I feel bringing her home filled the void she left. She filled my heart and our home. For that one night we were all complete and it stays with us. Everywhere I go she comes, every thought she’s there and every blog she reads over my shoulder saying well done mummy I’m so proud.

She laughs at me because she’s changed so much already clever girl. Daddy cooks! And wears colour which to anyone who knows him is a big thing. Leif was shocked the first time he saw daddy in red, classic mouth hanging open look. We are closer as a family.

The biggest change in me is I’m  a lot more positive which to anyone who knows me is also a big thing and very unlike me. It feels nice.

I also feels she’s  laughing because as mentioned before she was my last but we will have more if we’re lucky. She’s laughing because she’ll be big sister one day and I never thought she would be.

Jem’s belief is different he goes to a C of E school so he believes in god. He believes Elva is with god because he needed her more. He likes to think she’s having lots of fun.

Daddy is a bit more complex but in short his belief is the spirit leaves very quickly and through lots of special prayers Elva will live in a pure land ( bit like Jem’s belief of heaven).

I like all our beliefs and its a HUGE comfort.

From one aspect they all contradict each other but I think they complement each other nicely. As a result she is in a church yard, being prayed for and we go and leave treats for the faeries to encourage them over.

One thing starting to creep in for me is I feel lucky. I was lucky enough to carry Elva, grow and nurture her for 6 months. I feel chosen for a special task. I don’t believe in a divine leader but I feel trusted to love her purely, forever. She came to us because she knows we were what she needed and maybe in time we will see what she needed to give.

Other beliefs are about angels. This fits Jem’s belief of god needing her back.

No belief is wrong if it helps you and you trust in that belief then it’s right! Belief gets us through the hard times and some of us, me included, may not have found religion but we found comfort.

tracy

 

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