How do I keep going

I don’t know. I don’t know a lot lately but it fits a lot of questions.

I don’t know what I want ( well I do but I don’t know what I want that I can have)

I don’t know what I need

I don’t know how to feel ok

The main thing that keeps me going is hope. Hope that I will be happier again, hope that I will smile more and more, hope that something positive will come of my life in the near future.

I want to help others. Since deciding how I want to use Elva’s death I am incensed almost. It sounds horrid to say  I will use Elva’s death but as mentioned in another post I got a lot of help from friends. I was given valuable advice and support that shaped my experience with Elva and I’m convinced long term will make it more special. I want to give others that chance.

Regret is an awful feeling especially when you can’t change it and it matters that you didn’t do something. I don’t want other parents to feel that pain so I hope to help them. I want others to know they’re normal.

I’ve heard from others that time ISN’T a healer. Things DON’T ever get better just easier. Some even say it DOESN’T even get easier it feels the same as day 1.

That scares the crap out of me. The early days I thought well I may as well die now then because feeling like this forever sounds like a rubbish life! Yes I have children who need me but in that moment you don’t care because you don’t think a life with a miserable mum is any better than being without.

Then I started to think you know what NO I REFUSE! I will NOT feel this way forever I WILL be happier. Yes it will never heal, it will always be sad and painful but I want to think of my daughter happily. I want to smile when I remember her grumpy face. I want to remember her kicks and prods knowing I was the only one special enough to feel them every day. I want her to be proud of me and feel glad she chose me as her mummy.

In years to come I want to give a mum or a dad at this stage of their grief the hope they can improve they can move on without getting over it or forgetting. I want Elva to have died for a good reason. A reason I need to create. I refuse to believe some things just happen for no reason because that makes me feel sick.

So I keep going because I have hope and for first time in my life I’m trying the whole positive mental attitude malarkey. It’s actually not that hard when you’re determined.

tracy

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