The Nursery

You have practical issues to think of now. If you’re impatient, excitable sort like me by 6 months of pregnancy all you need is the baby. You’ve even sorted things baby won’t need for a bit just because it’s so much fun!

But when that baby dies and doesn’t need those items you are left with a full but empty house.

I had put bibs, cloths and nappies downstairs. The cot was set up with clean bouncy chair ready. Drawers were full of clothes with blankets in a basket on top. Under the cot was fresh sheets. On the table downstairs was a freshly sewn baby quilt.

In a bag was hospital items. Baby clothes, nappies, pjs for me. The moses basket had been freshly washed with brand new mattress waiting to be opened.

Bottles sat in the kitchen in the box just in case breastfeeding didn’t work out.

Pretty socks and tights sat in drawers waiting to be paired with the few dresses I had bought.

Clothes for past 3 months were also waiting because… well I don’t honestly know why, maybe I’m just a stupid fool.

So what does it all look like now?

Bibs, cloths, moses baskets and cloth nappies are in the loft

Cot is still up with the bouncy chair, cot sheets and newly sewn quilt in and a sheet hiding them is draped over.

A blanket is in Elva’s memory corner because I wrapped her in it post birth. Another blanket bought for her is with Elva herself snuggled round her keeping her snug.

Bottles are still sat in the kitchen.

Pretty socks and tights still reside in the drawers which are also under that sheet in the cot. The clothes are still in the drawers because I simply can’t acknowledge them. Baby gros and vests are also still in some other drawers hidden behind the door.

The clothes that are forever too big are also in the loft.

A buggy board I bought due to the age gap was placed on ebay and sold the same day. Toys were hidden in a cupboard. Toys my boys had passed on to their sister.

The moses basket was actually thrown out the window on the Friday after she arrived in a fit of temper at this world. Another bouncy was thrown too and will be chucked away.

How can I face all this. I’m meant to put this all away, or sell it sadly when my baby had grown and no longer needed it. Not because she will never grow, not because she never used it, not because there’s no baby to need it.

How can I face taking clothes back with tags. How can I even think of standing in the shop saying can I return this please. What do I say if they have the reason for return?! I don’t even know if they ask that anymore but what if I catch the one cashier who does.

Its been so long since I bought half of them that I’d only get credit note. It’s easier to keep everything in place. It’s easier to pretend those items aren’t there than touch them and look at them.

I sold all the boy clothes. I thought I was safe to. I wonder if I’ll have more boys and need to sell Elva’s clothes to fund them. But how can I it would be like losing her all over again. But how can I keep them for a lifetime knowing she’ll never need them.

Could I have a girl who could wear them? Will I be able to deal with that? I don’t know.

I find new items to fill the shelves sad of what was meant to be trying to ignore the fact they held such precious items only weeks earlier.

They say don’t make any drastic changes like moving house, a new job or getting rid of items. I don’t know how I could have the energy for that. The fact all my cloth nappies are in the loft and we now buy disposables, the fact my sewing shelf is derelict because I’ve put everything away, the fact I have extra space is already too overwhelming a change to take on, to accept. I couldn’t face more.

I’ve had offers of help but I know it’ll be traumatic. I’m not ready to admit she’s never coming home to stay even though I know she isn’t. I’m living the nightmare daily, wide awake!

I wonder if I should just leave it all get pregnant then sort because I’ll have a new baby on way it will be easier but I’m being naive I’m trying to find an escape from facing it. That’s not healthy it’s denial.

For now the stuff will remain as it is. We’re only early days and there’s no pressure. I need to be ready.





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