Everything is you

Everywhere I look you are there, every smell, every sight, every word is you.

I sometimes think I can smell you. The smell that’s imprinted on your sheet and blanket.

The smell that I wait till I feel really bad to break out the sealed bag that calms me immediately.

The smell I’m afraid will fade.

We joked you looked like a little old woman at times. Well it’s no joke.

I see a face and it reminds me of you.

I often think Elva sounds like a grandma’s name but you never will be.

We went to the beach in Wales and I wanted to leave. I felt guilty you’d never see one.

I see a pretty flower and wonder if you would have liked them.

I see Leif playing, giggling it’s amazing how alike you look.

It makes me cry to think how you would look in 2 years time just with brown hair not blonde.

I imagine your curls and how pretty you would look.

I see people happy their older kids are coming to tea will I always miss you this much.

I see a name like Eva or the word love and all I see if your name, your face.

Your face is burnt onto my memory. I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to.

People say after the funeral there’s nothing to do, but they’re wrong.

I have to chose your headstone tomorrow and inform them of your name but they’ll never know who you are.

I have to count the weeks knowing I should still be pregnant.

I have to put a smile on my face and pretend I’m ok but instead I’m screaming for you.

I think of not a lot but you some days its guilt, others its love, the rest nothing but just your face.

I have to pretend I want to talk about the weather, about Bob next door, about Christmas but I don’t I only want you

I have to stop my brain thinking too far ahead. Christmas never seemed like such a traumatic thing till this year the year Christmas became when you should have come to the time you never will.

6th January will forever be your due date. The date we never thought you’d wait for the date you didn’t

Autumn will forever be the season I loved and the season a part of me died forever

October will no longer be the start of my favourite time of year but the time the days draw darker and I think of only you.

600g will not just be a weight it will be the entirety of you.

Daddy says we should go to the zoo in the new year but we’ve had this conversation before, you were meant to come too.

How I miss you Elva, how I long for you wherever I go whatever I do.

I never knew I could cry so much I seemed to be only made of skin and tears lately.

Night Night sweetheart we love you xx



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