It was never meant to be this way

Today I feel angry. Frustrated and  annoyed I lost my baby.

I need to be careful here I can’t go mouthing off about why I feel this way in great depth.

I feel this way because stillbirth happens FAR TOO MUCH!

You hear stories of how babies ‘could’ have survived if something had been done differently.

Parents don’t feel listened to and feel their babies die as result.

You hear of babies surviving in similar circumstances. Why not my baby.

Why aren’t women offered more scans and more checks.

With Elva I remember lying there whilst midwife checked her heartbeat thinking how does she know she’s ok. She knows she’s a heartbeat, she knows where she is and she knows she’s small but HOW does she know she’s ok. She doesn’t she can’t. She relies on me feeling movement, urine and bp checks and a hand held fetal doppler.

A scan can’t always tell you a baby will be ok or even is ok in the moment but how many have lost and wondered if an extra scan would have saved their baby.

You start to question your care, the questions you didn’t ask, the appointments you didn’t request. All these things you’ll get next time.

You talk to women and families from 10 year ago and nothing seems to have changed. Guidelines aren’t improved to make women feel cared for. Women are routinely discouraged from seeking help at hospital. Fobbed off!

I feel frustrated that everything I will do next time I couldn’t use to prevent Elva’s death.

I hate trying for babies it feel like another failure to go through. I was so happy I got pregnant by accident I felt so lucky and very protective. I’m annoyed I want a baby and have to try to get one. I’m annoyed it may take ages to get that baby then on top I have to do a pregnancy. I’ve already done 6 months of fear and worry . Now I have to do it all over again with thousand more worries piled on.

The 2  year age gap we would have  had seemed so scary at the time. Now I will never have that gap. I want that gap more than ever now. In years to come when I talk about what age gaps I have I will never say 26 months. EVER. That makes me mad.

I’m mad at no one and no one thing. I’m just mad.




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