A Letter to Daddy and the boys

This is a letter I’m writing as I type to Elva’s Daddy and the Boys.

I don’t name Elva’s Daddy as he wishes to remain anonymous to those who don’t know us.

To Daddy and My Boys,

We have a beautiful girl in our family finally. A daughter and a sister.

Yet she isn’t here with us. I know you don’t blame me. None of us could foresee this or prevent this but yet I feel to blame. If it doesn’t come now I fear it will come later.

I see you Jem looking at me when I cry. You know why I’m crying you just don’t understand why I need to do it so much. You only cried the once over Elva’s death and that’s ok but I’m her mummy and I grieve for her the same I would grieve for you. She isn’t more special than you or Leif she is just as special as you both and that is why I cry.

You ask me about another baby and you wonder why we love Elva even though she’s not here. You love looking at her photos and you said when I put her up on the wall: now she’s with us here always. How right you are. What a perspective child you are. From the way you have been these last 4 weeks I know you don’t blame me you don’t know how. You are missing Elva deeply but don’t understand why because you never really knew her. You long for a baby sister you have since you were 3 and now you have one who you can’t cuddle, kiss or play with.

You have asked if you can have another and I promised to do my best. You are an amazing big brother and you always will be.

Little Leif Lou you are only really coming out of baby hood yourself yet you are a big brother. I remember being sad that you have to grow up so fast and now you are doing without Elva here and I need you to slow down. My worry you wouldn’t talk has turned to fear you’re talking too much. Your recognition of what your body is doing was a good sign but now it tells me I have no baby. You never give a lot away so I don’t know how you are taking all this.

You know baby blob is gone from my belly and you know you met a beautiful girl mummy insisted was that baby blob yet I called her Elva. How confusing for you I’m so sorry I did that I didn’t know it would be this way. I didn’t know I’d have to explain to you over and over what was going on knowing I will need to do the same in many years to come.

We talk about Elva and you just stare. Today you looked at her picture and I said is that baby Elva and you nodded. You understood she was a part of your life now and you understood at least that much. You’re too young to place any blame and you’re too kind hearted to want to try but one day I fear you may ask why didn’t I do more.

You never got the chance to be a big brother but the short time you have with Elva you loved her. She had the strongest bond to you and when you finally met her you only have had gentle thoughts. Your big brother taught you well.

Daddy you are the other half of this family. Together we brought 3 beautiful children into the world ( although I put tad more effort into the actual delivery part ) and together we lost one. We are a family of 5 living as 4 and as each day passes the pain doesn’t ease. I wonder if you look at me and think I failed. Do you look at a broken woman who didn’t do her job when you glance over.

As you smile sadly as me full of pain do you wish things were different? Do you hope I stop feeling pain soon so you don’t have to see a daily reminder what we feel. Do you look at our boys and wonder what Elva would look like.

Slowly I see we aren’t so different. You sigh and frown at things that fill me with sadness. You avoid the things that make my tears well up. You know. You feel the same deep hurt, you have the same triggers and you understand mine.

Together we will get stronger, we will be closer & we will carry on. We’ve changed , we’ve matured and together we love. You don’t blame me either you blame yourself. I blame no-one but me but no-one blames me how lucky am I. You entrusted me to do the best for our children and you are willing to entrust me with that again.

Our children are beautiful, funny, kind hearted, stubborn, giving, gentle and intuitive beings and that is 50% down to you. I have no doubt Elva would have been the same. It’s something to be proud of not to blame yourself over, have no guilt that you’re an imperfect father. How can we be awful parents when we created 3 fabulous human beings I’m proud to call ours. OUR sunshine Jem, OUR Leify light and OUR tiny beauty.

I love all you all and I always have I just didn’t know it before I met you. I will love you all for an eternity and hope you love me back xx

tracy

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