This contains content from a letter I placed in Elva’s forever bed. I wrote her this letter whilst snuggling her in hospital, she was about 23 hours old. I edit it now whilst she’s forever snuggled in my heart.
To Elva Isobel
My beautiful button nosed first daughter.
You are less than 24 hours old & I already miss you terribly even though you are on my chest snuggled in I know each passing minute is closer to our last goodbye.
Everytime we talk and hold hands I want to say how sorry I am. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, I’m sorry I didn’t take my fears more seriously, I’m sorry I failed at giving you full life & I’m sorry my body took your chance. I was so afraid you had been in pain and I hadn’t noticed. The first day or two after we found out I sobbed, I needed you to be ok, I needed this not to be feel. I felt to blame.
You came so peacefully & you look so beautiful. So cute. It’s hard to imagine you I’ll never truly know you.
You would have had your brother’s round your little finger, doting on you. You would have had your daddy besotted (you still do) & you would have demanded all the pretty things in the world off me.
You would have had chocolate brown eyes & brown curly hair. A perfect mix of your brothers. You’d have had a quick temper & a kind heart, loving everyone around you.
You are my perfect baby, the only daughter I’ll ever know & my heart is breaking. I hope your brothers can help me mend it to working capacity because it will never be restored not without you there.
Tomorrow I leave you behind to go home where you can never come as you are **. Only in our hearts & the time as my womb dweller did can you be there but you’ll always be a part of us. I don’t know how to leave. I don’t know if I even can but I know your body isn’t you & I’ll never truly leave you anywhere.
One last regret is not telling the world your name so baby blob you are no more & your name ELVA ISOBEL will be said daily. I’ll forever say your name & it will only ever be yours.
I love you, I always have and I will forever.
love Mummy xxx
(this was added later)
Looking over at you I get a shock. I forget you’re there sometimes & I feel so happy I’m getting this time with you no matter how painful.
You’ve been rocked, sung to, talked to, all the ‘normal’ things. You are real, you’re here & you still need to be loved and held.
In the womb you loved daddy’s voice when he came home. You would poke Leif & prod him when he elbowed you. I felt you had a strong connection to Leif. You kicked for Jem even when he couldn’t feel it.
You loved being talked to, sung to and taken notice of.
MY TINY BEAUTY
** She came home but at this stage I hadn’t made that choice.