Baby Blob

I’ve been thinking a lot about my pregnancy with Elva and decided I wanted to write all I could about it.

My pregnancy began very much like the boys. I hadn’t realised I was late at first. When I did I thought I couldn’t be pregnant. Friends tried to persuade me I could be but I waited. I needed to be at least a week late before I’d waste a test.

Unsurprisingly 2 lines appeared. I had thought it was negative at first but then I realised it wasn’t. EEEEEK

I was scared at first we hadn’t planned a baby so soon but we we’re happy.

I began to get pain thought convinced I was going to miscarry we trooped off to hospital. We waited 4 hours but finally got seen and had a scan showing I was about 4-5 weeks along. Hmm that’s odd I should be 6. So although I was still pregnant I was worried there would be no growth and I would still mc.

2 weeks dragged and we went back for another scan. There was our wiggly bean. I nicknamed the baby Blob because her first scan she was a tiny dot on the screen, Daddy compromised with Peanut Blob.

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4 weeks                              6 weeks

After then we were a lot more positive we thought things were going well.

Around 7 weeks I thought I felt the tiniest little flutter it was wonderful!

I started planning crafty projects I wanted to make for our blob. Around 4 months I started a blanket that she was wrapped in after her birth. Never did I make it imaging I would be sealing it away in a bag forever. It was meant for her pram.

We went for a scan at 11 weeks and 13 weeks both times scared they’d say she had grown, there was no heartbeat. But here she was flourishing.

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11 weeks                              13 weeks

I felt Elva kick on and off from around 17 weeks but nothing very regular which was fine by me. I couldn’t worry about kicks then.

I started to crave lollies and be adverse to so much more but still I felt blessed I was miserable but I was pregnant and we were having a miracle.

At 17 weeks and 4 days we went for a scan to find out what our bundle was. Bets were on. Daddy and Jem thought girl, I thought boy. The scan took ages I had an anterior placenta and Elva was sat right behind it with her legs crossed!

Finally we got her to shift slightly I was convinced I saw balls. During the scan Elva was so cute she sucked her thumb and kicked about in a moody manner because we had woke her up. My favourite picture I swear she’s smiling at us happy to be with me, me happy she was there.

It’s a girl. We decided very quickly as set off back home that she would be called Elva Isobel.

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Everyone on Facebook was hoping I’d give in and they them what she was but I only told a few the rest were kept in the dark. I kept the secret for 11 weeks exactly.

Elva’s movements were starting to increase but had no pattern yet. Everything was going well I felt as well as I could and I was still fairly mobile.

I started  buying clothes our first girl! The dresses and pink I could indulge myself in. I felt reluctant to buy too much or anything at all but I tried to stay positive and bought regardless. I felt like I was tempting fate and a boy would  pop out if I bought too much pink.

20 weeks we went for our routine scan at the hospital and I believe this is where it all went wrong from this date.

They said she was small but not how small. They told me she wasn’t dramatically small and not to worry. I was told to take aspirin to keep my BP low but I’d always had good bp so I didn’t understand this and  a follow up was only booked for 6 weeks later. We assumed this meant we didn’t need to worry at all. A measurement called CRB was pointed out as being slightly small to us but nothing terrible.

She was so wiggly that day and I felt nothing but we finally got some really cute shots. Our beautiful Elva.

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At this point I swapped care. I felt the hospital were dead set on ignoring my choices and wishes and I wanted better. So I swapped to independent care.  I will regret not doing this sooner to the day I die. The new providers attempted to request notes from the hospital due to the fact Elva was being considered small.

Around 23 weeks Elva wiggled daily. She would wiggle for food just like Leif did and she loved being sang to just like both the boys did. We sang twinkle twinkle to her and she would go very still and only kick if I didn’t sing again. She liked to wiggle the most at night time but would happily wiggle for Leif and whenever I sewed.

Leif would lift my top most days and say awww bye bye and put my top down. He kissed my bump on occasion. Jem included Elva in everything he would ask how she was, if she had wiggled today and was she hungry.

Daddy would kiss my bump hello, goodbye, good morning and good night every day. He would rest his hand on it briefly and give me a kiss. He would tell me off for lifting stuff and understood when I felt rough. He’d let me sleep in most mornings and offer me his last rolo if he had any.

It took SIX weeks to get one single piece of paper with a chart and few measurements on. Six long weeks! By this point I was 26+5 weeks pregnant.

The day after a routine appointment my midwife rang to say she had spoken to their sonographers about my hospital scan and were requesting I have a growth scan. Up to this point she had allowed me my choice and respected that. During this phone call she said we have booked you a scan not we would  like you have a scan not we think it would be a good idea but it was booked and we think you should attend. I agreed they were obviously concerned and I was willing to go to prove Elva was well.

I had researched the CRB measurement the consultant had pointed out to me all those weeks ago and found information that contradicted their information it showed she was small. This information indicated she was in the right range and normal. My midwife had no answers and advised I wait for my scan to ask then because they’d have more information for me.

A part of me was excited to see my little baby check physically she was well and see how much she had grown. That scan never came.

I got my wish to see Elva just a week later. 2 days before the scan was booked. 13th October the date I’ll never erase.

After her birth the midwife came to talk to us she went over  what the sonographer had said. They hadn’t been surprised my baby died and pointed out the FL measurement was very small. Sorry what? FL?? what about the CRB?

It wasn’t the CRB that was the issue it was the FL, femur length. They asked if I had opted for downs screening at all as her FL along with her death indicated chromosome issues. I was livid why had the consultant not told me the right measurement. I set about researching it. My heart broke. If I had been told the right information at the time I would have been scared enough to ask for a scan sooner than I was offered by the hospital. This set off my anger  towards this person and a mistrust in the one place you go to for help.

Remembering my pregnancy upsets me. I struggle to look at my bump and scan pictures because she was alive in them. I prefer her after birth pictures. Strange I know but for me looking at my bump imaging my healthy baby in their alive hurts because she should still be there. Her scans hurt because it’s so hard to imagine she was ok in them. The last scan I had she was dead the image is etched into my head. I scoured her scans looking to see if there was something glaringly obvious. There never was.

I lost a lot  of weight after I hated it I still do. I miss my bump so much. I miss the worry and the wiggles. I miss the fear and I miss having a constant companion with me.  6.5 months after she first came to us I had my first time alone with no-one else with me. No Elva bump, no Leif nothing. I panicked. 6 months is a long time to never be alone to then suddenly be so on top of deep hurt.

I can’t wait to be pregnant again I can’t wait to feel those wiggles and growth a beautiful bump. I’m sad I never got a huge round belly with Elva but she stopped growing just over 24 weeks and was never going to get very big. I want that time time to rectify my wrongs prove I can grow a baby prove I’m not a failure. I need a companion back with me.

I need a pregnancy back to make the most  of everything. I need Elva’s sibling so I can say look that’s your big sister isn’t she beautiful.

I need to have the times back I wished I’d pleaded for help for no reason. I need to get the kicks back to chart to prove to someone, anyone that kick counts need to start way before 28 weeks. I need hope back I need some certainty. I need to know I will be ok.

tracy

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