Did we know what the future would hold. Did we ignore what we felt or did we just misunderstand.

In 2011 Jem stated I had a baby in my tummy. I had been spotting and was sure I was pregnant but that it wasn’t viable so hadn’t tested. So I got angry and said no there isn’t don’t say that again please. He looked confused and a bit hurt. I felt awful and apologised but told him there was no baby.

In 2012 Jem stated I would have a baby soon and it would be a boy who looked just like him. I told him to not be silly and we weren’t having any babies. Ever. A month later I was pregnant and Leif popped out 8 months later. I had faith things would be fine because Jem had never mentioned anything again about my previous pregnancy so I felt he had hope too.

This time Jem thought it was a joke. We told him I was pregnant and he asked if it was real. He said it was a girl. This was at 4 weeks. Very early but I wanted him to be a part of ALL of it.

Throughout the pregnancy he would talk about Elva but many times he asked about the next baby. I told him there would be no more babies after Elva she was the last one. He would say aww that’s not fair. He suggested we have more than one more haha no thank you.

Did he know there would be a next one? Did he say this rather than talk about Elva because he saw no future. He had got 2 genders right and predicted 2 pregnancies. Was he shocked with Elva because he never foresaw it and was that a sign. I asked myself this at the time but felt I was being daft and there noway a child’s intuition or lack of could possibly predict its outcome.

When we took Leif to scans he would grow very quiet and be enthralled by the screen smiling. He would love the pictures too going aww and kissing it. I felt so lucky.

When I asked him if there was a baby in my tummy he would scream no. After we put the cot up he went mad shouting  no at it waving frantically saying bye bye. Anytime I’d mentioned a baby or the cot he’d scream. He soon settled down and loved my bump but would frown a lot at it. I thought he was unhappy he wasn’t to be the baby. He didn’t want to be a big brother.

Now I wonder if he too knew baby blob would never come home. Was he warning me not to get too attached. Was he trying to tell us that her cot would remain forever empty?

Early on when I didn’t MC like I thought I remember saying to a friend I just know I’m headed for a late loss. It didn’t enter my head again even when I was worried I didn’t remember I made that comment.

During the pregnancy I said out the blue I’m determined to enjoy every wiggle and my bump daily whilst she’s still with us. Not whilst I’m pregnant, not because I’ll never do this again. Whilst she was with us like I knew she was off somewhere. I didn’t say it at the time thinking she’d die so why did I? I don’t know I don’t remember why.

It would take me forever checking out when I bough baby items and I often thought maybe I should just put the money aside and buy right before the end. I had this feeling I was wasting money and time and she may never wear them. But still I didn’t think she’d die. Why did I keep feeling she’d never use these things. Was I in denial?

I set the cot up and struggled at first I thought it was a sign I wasn’t meant to. Then I figured  it out and thought silly woman everything is fine. Elva was happily wiggling away.

When I first found out I was pregnant I remember thinking I need to save up for Christmas and a baby because they are due the same week! Eek. I remember wanting to sort Christmas first because it didn’t feel right buying baby stuff just yet.

With Leif I bought stuff from 9 weeks and got something every week to spread the cost including Christmas & birthday items. It never felt wrong. I felt nervous but it never felt wrong. With Elva it felt very wrong. I felt I was being too happy about it all I felt I should chill out.

When I questioned daddy after her birth he said he felt the same he couldn’t explain it. With Leif he felt more relaxed than with Elva he didn’t know why.

Did we know somehow but not listen. How I wish we had. I would have saved myself the heart ache of buying so much to then have to put it all away. I would have concentrated on memory items and creating memories. I would have paid for a scan weekly just to see my beautiful baby.

I would have told the world about her and I would have found out who was willing to be there for me long a go. I would have worried less and enjoyed more.

Jem has asked for another baby, he says he wants a sister. I told him it could be a boy. He frowned and say no I want a girl not a boy we have one of those.

Wish me luck pleasing him.




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