A rainbow pregnancy is a pregnancy that follows a loss. My 2nd, Leif, is a rainbow and emotionally it is hard but I got through I felt positive enough despite my worries. But that was after a 5 week miscarriage that baby never made it beyond the blob stage. I’ve now first hand experience of a 3rd trimester loss.
A loss during the final stretch, the end is in sight. Yup the end was definitely in sight as I started the 3rd trimester just days before. So now I know there’s NO SAFE TIME ever!! We’ve discussed how petrified we will be but it will be worth it.
A pregnancy following a stillbirth is classed as high risk so from medical stand point you will be care for in an almost over the top manner. Depending on cause of death certain measures may be done to prevent same thing. So from a physical stand point you will be cared for and monitored, but what about emotionally. You will be scared, anxious and worried constantly!
If you’re lucky your hospital or local area may have a grief counsellor who can help you through. I don’t have access to this. So how can you help someone who also doesn’t have this help. I will write following points as if its me you’re helping.
- I haven’t forgotten about Elva
- If you aren’t told I’m pregnant you aren’t to know
- If I look pregnant but I say nothing don’t ask me
- If I do tell you I’m pregnant. Ask how I am. Don’t ask me from pint of view I may lose this baby too, ask me from the view-point everything will be fine.
- Ask me questions about my new baby but accept I will still talk about Elva too
- Get excited for me because I may be struggling to allow myself
- Once I name baby talk about them by name
- Ask me if I have worries, indulge my fears allow me to express them
- Tell me to go get seen if I appear scared for no other reason than memories
- If you can’t support me leave me to it
- Don’t ask silly questions: yes I’m scared I’ll lose, no I’m not bothered if is boy or girl not deep down, no I’m not ready I’ll never be ready till baby is in my arms then I’ll unpack the baby stuff
- Buy me a gift even if the same thing happens I need to know YOU have faith and hope that my baby will be ok
- Don’t offer me used baby things I can’t accept them for fear I will jinx things wait till baby is here.
- Offer help some days I may need an afternoon off from being strong and I may just need to cry and relive my grief to keep me going again
- Don’t ignore my pregnancy for fear I won’t want to talk. even if I struggle keep me talking keep me positive
- Acknowledge my negative feelings don’t down pay them and don’t ignore them, try to help me understand why I feel that way
- Help me create memories until you lose a baby in pregnancy you don’t realise how important this is
- Offer to meet up if I don’t want to talk baby and want to talk about Elva or neither of those be sensitive to that
- If I say I don’t want to be pregnant or I’m fed up don’t remind me I’m lucky I know I am but I’m also petrified and sometimes that’s the only way I can express it