The need to TTC

TTC- trying to conceive

When I found out Elva had died my first thought was no more babies EVER. If this can happen after 2 healthy babies I don’t want anything to do with it any more. After a rough few days I began to miss Elva deeply. She was still inside me but I missed her more than I’ve ever missed anyone or anything.

I began to imagine life without a baby on the way and it hurt. All the things we’d prepared all the time we’d spoken excitedly about her coming and that was gone the moment they said I’m sorry. That’s when you start thinking I can’t do this I have to have this baby she has to survive.

I don’t remember when we talked about another I can’t remember but I seem to recall it being before delivery. You find yourself wanting to have another pregnancy straight away because this one failed before you’ve technically ended it.

Holding my newborn daughter I spoke about being pregnant again having a live baby next time. Being scared.

You may think why? it’s so soon. The main reason is from 10 minutes after the news it’s all that is spoken about besides delivery and tests.

You can’t have a section because impacts future deliveries.

Next time you will have more scans

Next time you can request monitoring whenever and we will understand why and agree without question

Next time you will get tons of scans

You should think about tests and post mortem in case anything shows that can help or affect future babies. (even daddy said about have pm for future babies sake)

You think it’s all too soon and I’m practical I know they have to think of future health but damn it’s hard. I will say though their reason for vaginal birth is physical but it’s extremely healing in its own way too. Elva was my  first vbac and possibly my last vaginal birth. I felt every part of her arrive which sounds bit yuck but it’s magical without the shearing burning you get with full term baby birth is actually very magical. I’ve seen many baby loss mums say they’re glad a section was refused.

Anyway back to TTC the future. So besides the medical field harping on about it and your body craving the need to rectify what just went wrong there’s an emotional aspect.

I felt guilty for wanting to TTC the thought of having sex made me feel guilty. You really explore your feelings during grieve and I soon realised I didn’t need this extra guilt.

Why do I want another baby:

I wanted Elva from the moment I got those 2 lines on the test. That hasn’t changed.

I wanted another baby from before I tested. That hasn’t changed.

We planned to add to our family before Elva so why should it change after.

Years ago we said we wanted 4 kids now I hope we will.

Leif is a big brother without a younger sibling I knew finally after a year he wasn’t my last. I kept all the baby baby stuff anyway so I always knew he wasn’t the last.

Jem needs a baby he needs a way to heal and he feels another baby is that way.

Daddy wants one

I love Elva with all my heart I will never stop loving her it’s my love for her that makes me miss her and that is why I want to ttc because I know the happiness a new child can bring. I know the happiness she brought.

My grief craves what I lost because I care not because I don’t

I want her back. I know a new baby isn’t her but it’s a start of hope a way forward to ease the pain and think of her more happily.

She wouldn’t want me unhappy in life so why would she in death

She will be a big sister something I never planned her to be.

So although none of you probably feel its too soon part of me does but I know I don’t need to feel guilt about my desire to be happy. She will forever be a part of our family. Jem & Leif know her and so will her younger sibling. She will remain on my wall alongside her brothers. We will always go visit he and celebrate her.

Next we need to think of coping with a future pregnancy. What can you do to help. Watch out for my blog on what I think I will need next time.

tracy

 

 

 

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