4 weeks on

Its now 4 weeks since I had Elva (well yesterday it was but was difficult day), a whole month since  I was told she had died and 2 days from her being one month old. Wow it’s flown so much I wish my pregnancy had flown this fast.

Today also marks  the 33 week point I would have been 4 weeks from term!! But yet she’s been and gone. That’s a hard pill to swallow her death time flies yet her pregnancy dragged I kept willing it to hurry to get her here safe. She’s certainly safe.

I was due a growth next week depending on the results of last one which was booked for 2 days after her birth. I should also have had a midwife appointment. Instead today I saw post natal midwife and next week I get to see a mental health nurse instead of having a scan.

Yesterday I had to go back to the hospital where I gave birth. I have no bad feelings about the place but I expecting to be emotional. As we walked up I saw the window to the delivery room and it made me feel ok. Nostalgic even remember my baby had been there and how glad I was I go to meet her despite how painful it also is.

One thing I’ve spotted happening which is very scary when does. I will find something silly hysterically funny and almost can’t stop laughing even when it’s really not that funny. Then I will laugh so hard I have to burst into angry tears. I’ve manage to stop that embarrassment but it makes me feel so out of control. I can only assume it’s my bodies way of releasing mass emotion rapidly.

I’m still fresh to the grief so understandably all I think about is her. Mostly all I want to talk about is her, the good and the bad. The birth, her pregnancy, my guilt, the memory items, her grave, her pictures, her impending due date, what we lost, in a loop. When I’m not thinking of her I’m thinking of he next baby. I know I moaned about everyone going on about next time BUT I need hope. I need to know I’ll hold a live baby fresh from the womb again to trust my body once more because right now we’re barely friends.

To help distract myself I’ve been sorting, rearranging rooms and cleaning. I’ve started my memory craft projects taking my time not to rush. I’ve also joined some TTC groups on Facebook, I’m helping others answering questions, learning stuff ready for my time and congratulating the positive testers. Weirdly I’m genuinely happy for them many have tried a while, some are angel mums and others are first time triers. It’s nice to feel happy for them hoping I’m creating some positive vibes for myself. It’s also distracting me from my own journey.

I’m currently waiting for 6 week check up to go over Elva’s death and ask questions to help me feel confident we will get better than excellent care next time. I’m  also waiting for our family counselling referral all whilst trying to ignore that Christmas and Elva’s due date are creeping up at a scarily rapid pace.

tracy

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