Today

Today I put away the last traces of a baby soon to arrive, a nesting in pregnancy, any trace Elva was meant to live.

It was hard!! I cried lots

I sat on floor undoing cot remembering last time I was sat doing this I was putting it up and Elva  was wiggling away.

I opened drawers and threw socks, tights, baby legs, shoes, dresses, tops and trousers into bags.

The moses basket went into the loft and the bouncy chair went on top of the wardrobe.

The cot went on eBay and a blow up play ring will too.

I washed all the stuff from the boys. Every. Last. Item. I washed them to put them back in the loft clean not many items of clothes get the luxury of a freshen up and new bin bag to be lobbed into.

IF they are used again they get to waste more water and energy being washed but this time the baby will already be here so they will get pooped on and sicked on before being washed again.

So many new items I don’t know what to do with them. Do I keep, do I sell, do I give away? I don’t know. I hoped I could eave them where they all were get pregnant and use them like there was no blip. But I realised amidst the tears and pain I had to accept  my baby wasn’t coming home and she doesn’t need these items. For a future babies sake for my boys sake they needed to be put back into storage again so there’s a separation between Elva and her younger sibling IF they ever exist. I also don’t feel it fair to leave them up in a room the boys will see them daily. They need a degree of acceptance also.

Daddy wants to keep and I just don’t know a part of me wants rid but I’m too scared to face majority of. It was hard enough bagging them up. Time will tell hopefully I don’t have to face getting rid any time soon.

tracy

 

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