Phrases to make you think twice

There are common  phrases that are said when you have a loss but they are not all helpful. Some comfort some but not others so here MY view & only mine. It’s not to say these are bad just an alternative take on them.

your baby is too precious/beautiful for this earth

For me  dislike this. At first it was nice, it validated my baby was more precious than anyone else’s an simply so beautiful. Then I read it again and again. It was saying my baby was too precious to stay in MY arms yet my boys hadn’t been. They weren’t precious enough to escape me and my blasted arms. If Elva didn’t have brothers I’d see this for what it is a beautiful comforting comment but for me it feeds my guilt and anger.

these things happen often for no reason

Personally I want a reason. I don’t want my daughter to have died just because it happens. We’re not talking cause of death here we’re talking of the effect after that. Some like to do positive things, some like to just honour their babies memory privately. Neither is wrong or better than other its about what brings the parents and families comfort. For me I want to do more to make her death worth something. To make her and my boys feel proud of me and for me to feel proud too

you can always have more/you’re only young

Yup because one replaces the other so it’s ok I can make more babies to make up for the dead one. Good job I’m not too old to replace them. If you lost your best friend, your mum, your husband you can just go get a new one… right?!

you’ve two other kids to concentrate on

I clearly love my boys WAY more than Elva. I mean who doesn’t love one of those pesky creatures alive over a dead one. I love anyone less the second thy die & if either of my boys passed on I’d immediately love them less no point wasting my energy right? Whilst we’re talking about this your mum died so your dad gets all the love now doesn’t he. Bet you’ve no pictures of your mm up and I bet you ever talk about her? Oh you do….. oh that’s odd.

I love ALL my children equally. Elva WAS ALIVE shock horror. She’s recognised by law and had to have a funeral also by law. I love her just as much as Jem & Leif. No more no less. I  talk about my boys and ‘d be devastated if anything happened to them. Just because you know them but never knew Elva doesn’t mean I’ll forget.

how are you, feeling better now?

I wasn’t ill so nothing to feel better about and how am I… welllll do you really want to know. Many ask to be well meaning and most time its not right place or time to say well no actually I’m not feeling better and I feel pretty down then burst into tears. I usually nod and say thanks or asking before escaping. But sometimes you should only ask if really want to know. A mum or dad ill never feel better and probably be screaming to tell you how they feel sometimes they may not know. Allowing them space to answer honesty is best. If you’re not interested in more than a fine thank then don’t ask.

tracy

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