When you go through hard times you fall back on friends and family.
Sometimes though the ones you thought would be there aren’t. They avoid you then tell you they think non stop of you. The ones you talk to a lot less suddenly you see them supporting you more and even just with comments like: hugs, in my thoughts. You realise who you have things in common when life is good and who actually has a good heart when things are bad.
The support in hard times outweighs all the support in good times. Its more meaningful, more helpful, more caring. You don’t realise you need it more than the general friendship until you find yourself in this situation.
Baby loss isn’t something you can ignore. It’s not something you can say I didn’t know how serious it was , you can’t say I didn’t know and considering most my friends are parents you can’t say you don’t know this hurts.
You have accept I will say no I’m not ok and that’s ok. I mean you do know I’m unlikely to be ok. You say my daughter s beautiful yet why are you worried I’ll talk about her and not a lot else? Some find it upsetting because yes this does hurt and yes before it happened to me I didn’t ‘get’ it. I didn’t know why those parents appear to have one track mind but I never rejected them. Now I see why now I’m glad I had the compassion for them.
Which leads me to: you can’t catch baby loss. Stillbirth isn’t a disease and once you go through it you realise avoiding the information, the stories, the pictures doesn’t mean you avoid it happening to you! In fact it’s more likely to catch you unaware because you don’t recognise when things go wrong. This is how I feel about my experience and it’s not to say avoiding it means it will occur for you but it certainly doesn’t stop it happening either.
The reason support is so important right now aside from the obvious reasons is the future. If the grieving family go on to have more children they will need support through a very difficult pregnancy and they may still be grieving deeply at the time of a rainbow’s birth. If they decide not to have more children or can’t they will need support with this also. Time to talk about their baby and relive what happened for years and years to come. If you can’t be there now its guaranteed you won’t be later.
I don’t understand sometimes why friends and family disappear. Maybe they just don’t understand, or don’t want to. Maybe they’re hurting and don’t know how to help or feel avoiding you decreases their own hurt. Maybe they’re scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you but sometimes saying nothing is worse and a lot more hurtful.
During this grieving process you get limited chances to make amends. It’s not a time to test a friendship because you learn there’s bigger things in life to worry about in fact you learn the one thing you worried about happened the rest is easy in comparison. You learn that life is for making the most of for getting happiness from it and you want that to be easy. Grief is hard and on top trying to rekindle friendships that should never have ended isn’t on the to do list and never will.
You had your chance and you didn’t take but that’s ok I’m not upset or that mad just surprised it was you who chose to turn your back. We will always be friends but you won’t be the first one to hear my news, you won’t be the one sharing my secrets & you won’t be the one celebrating my future with me.
The friends who stay are ones you never really knew that well. They are the ones who showed their true kind nature during a terrible time. They are the ones who don’t say or do a lot but when they do it means more than the million of words that meant nothing.
They are the ones you meet along the way, the ones who have been through the same. The ones you meet after who are touched by your story who don’t judge you or avoid you for it & who want to be there for you.