This is a journey many tread but we all do it differently and that means we are the only one going through what we as an individual is going through. No one else has been through it and no one else will. We all react differently, we all suffer differently and we all get shaped from our experience differently.
It feels very lonely even surrounded by people going through the same things. Even with your partner and family who all lost the same baby. It is lonely.
The decisions you have to make for the present and the future you don’t always decide on. We all make different choices and sometimes life throws different things in our path.
It feels like one big test you’re failing minute after minute. It feels like someone somewhere hates you and is making sure you know it.
You don’t want to go out. No one really wants to come see you. People talk to you but ultimately in the end they leave you alone too. They have their own life it’s not they don’t care but no one knows what to say no one is saying the right thing cos you’ve no clue what you want to hear.
You want to feel better but you don’t know how. No one can do it for you. You want to be left alone but you are and then you feel lonely like no one cares.
You are multiple people all at once and its difficult to deal with. You’re aware how conflicting your feelings are and your desperate for them to stop, to balance out, to feel like you again. Yet somehow you know you never will be you ever again. You’re no longer Tracy, Mummy, Shroomy. You’re Elva’s Mummy and that changes who you is.
The thing to remember is deep down we’re all lonely. If we want to get out this black pit and get better only us can do it. No one can help you only YOU can help you and that’s the toughest job you will ever do. I don’t know how, I don’t even know if I can. It took me over 29 years to recognise I was happy, my life felt good & I felt great about the future. Less than a month later Elva was dead. I’m unsure I’ll ever feel that again. I got that feeling for a blissful few weeks & I have to cling on to hope I’ll feel it to some level again.