Dark Days

This week every last baby item is put down & away. Looking round my house it’s never looked so uncluttered, tidy and spacious. It feels good.

It’s almost like I had a bad nightmare I envisioned a baby dying and felt the pain but like it never happened. I say it feels it never happened because it feels like its been easy to erase any trace a baby was imminent. It’s hard just days later to remember a cot was up, drawers were filled ready for a baby. I needed nursing bras but I was waiting. Now I don’t need them any more there’s nothing left to remind me a baby was on the way.

I had to accept she isn’t coming home. We are no longer expecting a baby and no longer need to prepare. We are preparing for no baby like it grew up and moved out, like we changed our mind.

I suddenly wonder how we ever meant to fit another child in the house and if there’s any point trying to do that again. Would we be better off not tempting fate and accepting what has been dealt to us, embrace it.

I’m told fate will decide but will it? Surely I would have to give it a helping hand for it to decide.

I still think I need to have my baby next month. I don’t know if it ever sinks in or if I need to wait till I’m past my due date to come to comes with the fact I gave birth already. I’m dreading Christmas so badly but it’s creeping up on me and I can’t cope with it. I can’t cope with anything. The present, the past, the future.

The grief is bring up a lot of depression from my past for me. I’ve never felt so bad so full of despair. Seeking help is impossible too. You’re either too early in grief process, not in the right area or the waiting list is huge. People die every day multiple people die every day & yes in one town or area probably not even 1 baby or child dies a day but it happens. People need support and here there is no grief support.

I’m told to seek help but I have. I’m told I’ll relax and stress less with help. But what help the help I’m being denied?! Then I need practical solutions, I need feedback and counselling isn’t about feedback counselling is about being listened to. I’m being listened to any bugger can sit & listen. I need someone trained to help me truly helped me. I don’t know what I need to do to feel better I’ve never known what it is I need to do.

I feel stuck so so stuck and there seems to be no solutions. It’s said you have to go through the hard times to encounter the good but what if the hard times are too hard. What if they get you before the good can intervene. What is the good never tries to intervene, what then?

I’m lucky I have my boys but equally it makes this so much harder. You’re expected to be normal a lot quicker. You’re suppose to forget so much quicker you’re going through the toughest time of your life. I’m not even 6 weeks pp & there’s no care taken over my physical health it’s like I never gave birth. It’s like I was never pregnant for 6 months.

I woke this morning and I was on my belly. I’ve not been able to sleep on my belly for 7 months & it hurt emotionally to be there. It’s a reminder of what I’ve lost, what I’ll never have again.

I’m struggling a lot and today I’m failing to see the light. I see no hope in my future today only darkness, only struggle. It’s a lonely lonely place and no admit of talking or crying makes it better. Wine helps, sleep knocks you out for 8 hours but ultimately you’re still you experiencing the same pain. The pain no-one and no thing can heal ever.

tracy

 

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