On going Struggle of Grief

Since Elva’s death we’ve had two birthdays in our house. Jem is now 7 and Leif is now 2.

Leif’s birthday came first and was the harder of the two. Leif turning 2 signalled Elva wasn’t far off. It was a close age gap we we’re expecting and not one we would ever have planned. Leif’s birthday signalled that we didn’t need to worry about that gap now because unless I have 2 rainbow babies that close together we will never have that gap. Leif remains the youngest physical body in our house for at least the next 9 months ( no I’m not pregnant).

Looking back on Leif’s newborn pictures was hard him and Elva despite being born gestationally 10 weeks apart were the spitting image of each other. I have one picture they are in same position and same profile.

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Leif was a tiny dot when he was born but now I’ve seen the smallest baby I will ever hope to hold he looks huge!

Both kids birthday we took a peace of cake for Elva with a candle. The boys blew it out and we let off party popper leaving the cake behind for the fairies. On Jem’s birthday we took a solar powered lantern for Elva. It feels nice to involve her and Jem was very keen to go also.

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We have Elva’s picture on the wall in our living room and in our bedroom. Jem asked for a picture also so his will go up tonight. I often look at her and think she’s so pretty and cute. I catch my breath looking at her beauty feeling so lucky I create such cute beings. Then I get sad because I’ll never see the divine-ness she would have grown into.

Some days I can’t even look at her picture because it hurts too much to face what I lost. I feel pain and wonder if she understands what’s happening to her. I often feel somehow I’ve neglected her memory and can’t look into her eyes. Some of her pictures she looks so sad and I wonder if she’s upset and missing us.

The days of looking at her are way more frequent and its rare now I can’t look. But those days still occur and I’m sure will for a long time.




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