Since Elva’s death we’ve had two birthdays in our house. Jem is now 7 and Leif is now 2.
Leif’s birthday came first and was the harder of the two. Leif turning 2 signalled Elva wasn’t far off. It was a close age gap we we’re expecting and not one we would ever have planned. Leif’s birthday signalled that we didn’t need to worry about that gap now because unless I have 2 rainbow babies that close together we will never have that gap. Leif remains the youngest physical body in our house for at least the next 9 months ( no I’m not pregnant).
Looking back on Leif’s newborn pictures was hard him and Elva despite being born gestationally 10 weeks apart were the spitting image of each other. I have one picture they are in same position and same profile.
Leif was a tiny dot when he was born but now I’ve seen the smallest baby I will ever hope to hold he looks huge!
Both kids birthday we took a peace of cake for Elva with a candle. The boys blew it out and we let off party popper leaving the cake behind for the fairies. On Jem’s birthday we took a solar powered lantern for Elva. It feels nice to involve her and Jem was very keen to go also.
We have Elva’s picture on the wall in our living room and in our bedroom. Jem asked for a picture also so his will go up tonight. I often look at her and think she’s so pretty and cute. I catch my breath looking at her beauty feeling so lucky I create such cute beings. Then I get sad because I’ll never see the divine-ness she would have grown into.
Some days I can’t even look at her picture because it hurts too much to face what I lost. I feel pain and wonder if she understands what’s happening to her. I often feel somehow I’ve neglected her memory and can’t look into her eyes. Some of her pictures she looks so sad and I wonder if she’s upset and missing us.
The days of looking at her are way more frequent and its rare now I can’t look. But those days still occur and I’m sure will for a long time.