Not just

My child is not just a dead baby. She’s not scary or gross. She looks like a very normal, premature human! No different looking than a baby in an incubator who is alive.

So why is it ok to call her a dead baby? She has a name! She by law is a person with a certificate of birth and death. She by law HAD to be registered and HAD to have a funeral because she is considered a child due to be being over 24 weeks.

I had to birth her like a live baby would be because she was fully formed. She was a stillbirth not a miscarriage. There’s a reason for the different words used.

Until it happens to you then you can’t imagine how this feels. Comparing to other  situations doesn’t work it’s not the same and doesn’t make my grief disappear. I hope it never happens to you no matter how much you hate me I still hope you never experience this.

Grief isn’t short term it lasts for a life time. You don’t lose a baby you lose a life. You lose yourself, your past, present & future.

The day you tell your child you lost their sibling the day you watch them crumble you then tell me my child is just a dead baby and worse things happen! You tell your child worse things happens so pick yourself up and get on with it. Better yet chose which kid you’re willing to give up then live your life without them. Can’t imagine? Don’t want to? Yeah me either but I have no choice because it’s my reality now.

 

The day you tell your partner you aren’t bringing that baby home and watch him be strong. That day when you know it was your responsibility to keep that baby safe and you failed. The day your partner tells you he doesn’t blame you and you wonder why? You tell him worse things happen chin up.

You learn a lot when a child dies. Not just about death and birth, not just about what happens to a body. You don’t just learn how to plan a funeral and how to live without someone you never really knew. You learn who never really cared enough and who still doesn’t. You learn how YOUR situation is always about someone else’s suffering and how it’s so much worse.

I’m not comparing myself to you, I’ve never compared myself to you so I don’t tolerate you comparing anything to me or my life. You don’t like it you don’t need to be in & I’ll gladly shut the door after you leave.

tracy

 

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