A lot of my writing recently has been private writings I don’t feel ready to publish and may need their own blog to publish to. I’ve felt very frustrated recently and i feel the need to get it out repeatedly much to everyone’s  annoyance lol!

It’s not helping getting it out over and over but I find it hard to keep quiet  too its like an anxiety babble. I don’t know how to stop how to stop the negative thoughts and encourage positive ones. I know I’m not expected to heal or be happy but I need to stop my negative rambles or I will lose those close to me.

My negative thoughts are about the future about hopes. I’m being told it’s so soon, so raw give it time and yes I’m impatient to heal but it’s frustrating. I hate feeling so hopeless, so alone in my thoughts with my crazy head repeating itself.

Even I’m getting fed up of my own voice. Yet I can’t stop. I need the magic words, I need the reassurance I need others positive thoughts for me, I need a crystal ball.

It’s distracting me from missing Elva but it’s not helping. It’s easier to miss Elva than try look ahead to a future I don’t know if will even happen. A future I can’t be hopeful for, a  future that positive thinking doesn’t help.

I don’t know how to break this cycle. Writing helps in the moment it gets my thoughts out it stops me dwelling on certain things but it doesn’t last long. Positive thinking lasts hours then negative thinking takes over for days.

I feel like I’m silently going crazy. I’m erratic too not in a bad way just saying yes things will be ok then instantly thinking no they’ll never be ok. I guess I need to accept it is raw and early days and it will take time. I should accept that.

Death of your child brings up a lot of things you have no choice but too accept not without question, not without a fight but acceptance occurs one way or the other.



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