Trigger

When I had my mc years ago I dyed my hair the few days before it was confirmed there was no pregnancy. Friends had said be careful, I had said it’ll be fine everyone else says it’s ok  to dye your hair. I had dyed my hair in my first pregnancy.

So away I dyed and few days later the scan showed no baby, nothing.

When I eventually got pregnant with Leif, my rainbow, I had bad roots. However I didn’t dye my hair infact I don’t recall dying my hair since I did with my mc. You have triggers you see you know within reason they did nothing to cause the loss but you know in your heart you just can’t stomach repeating that action. just.in.case!

Because I was pregnant longer with Elva there are more things I can’t face next time. Every child I’ve need dental work except Elva my teeth have been perfect with her. As part of the work I had local anaesthetic so when a pyogenic granuloma appeared on my ear I didn’t think twice of reassuring them I was happy to receive the anaesthetic and they gave me a non adrenaline filled one so as not to affect baby.

If I ever need dental work again or anything I will delay it till I deliver no matter how much I’m convinced it’s safe. I will be too afraid to dye my hair or receive anaesthetic.

I carried baskets of washing upstairs, went cycling, jumped, ran for buses. These are all things I’ll be too afraid to do if I had a rainbow. These are all things Daddy wouldn’t want me doing either.

A rainbow pregnancy is a huge commitment. You don’t realise what you’re afraid of until the same situation presents. You lost a baby in pregnancy so the only thing that will trigger you again is pregnancy.

For myself and other though its not just the same situation that triggers you. You become afraid of others dying or you not knowing what is right or wrong thing to do in any given situation. You suddenly don’t want to plan ahead. Its actually very easy to not look to the future after something like this happening.

You have to try though you have to realise the triggers were coincidences and not the cause. You have to start planning because you simply can’t get through life without some form of planning no matter how small even if it’s deciding what to eat in an hours time.

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tracy

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