The girl who never came

Elva you have broken my heart more than any man could ever wish to do. You have left me broken in more pieces than I thought possible to be shattered into.

I feel like you always knew you couldn’t stay and as your mummy I try not be mad at you I try love you for you but some days I fail. Some days I’m very mad not often and never for long but I do wonder if you could have known.

Other days I feel blessed and lucky, these happen a LOT more than the angry days. It’s like you knew I was the mummy for the job. I was the only mummy you needed for those short 6 months we had you and you felt so happy you made the right choice you left us early.

I find myself looking you thinking wow what a stunner. You simply are breathtaking you really are. As your mummy I’m biased but your brothers and you daddy feel the same so at least we’re together being so biased. You have taken so much from us but brought so much more for us.

You’ve brought belief, love, beauty to us. You’ve taught us all the fragility of life. How rapid it can change, how nothing is ever guaranteed. You’ve shown me a future I never knew would happen you’ve shown me a self I never knew I was.

In some ways life got easier but in so many it became so much harder so much more complicated. There’s not hope any more last time I had hope you left you took it with you. You stole a little piece of each of us and you took it with you on your journey. You only stole my hope no-one else.

What is my role here now. I always wanted to do more but never had the motivation or support to just get it done. Now I feel I HAVE to do something now I have the motivation and I feel guilty I didn’t have it before. How did I not know I should help others like me, why did I not consider parents needed more help. I’m not to blame everyone is the same. You don’t know till it happens but you still feel bad. I replay everything I ever said to people hoping I never said something so hurtful to them but so innocent to me.

Putting everything away that was yours but somehow never yours was my way of accepting. Accepting you weren’t coming home, you weren’t going to grow up alongside your brothers. Accepting I was no longer pregnant. No longer counting down the weeks now I’m counting the weeks since that dreadful day because I still can’t quite believe it happened.

Looking round my house it was quicker erasing the evidence of an impending baby than it was setting up for one. You wouldn’t know to visit that I ever expecting a baby next month. You wouldn’t know the pictures on my wall were only taken a matter of weeks ago, only hung a matter of days ago. Only the red face, dark bags and dead eyes tell you its still so raw.

There’s no sign we ever had the space to accommodate you. I needed the spare space to be filled. To lose you was to gain emptiness, to put your things away was to create space, to accept you won’t come home is to carry on. The house feels tidier, more open, cleaner. It’s a high price to pay for a bit of space and cleanliness. What I would give to trip over your play mat, to be woken all hours of the night to your screeching for food, to have my nostrils and stomach filled with your putrid stench. Instead my days are quieter, the nights almost deafening & my house is like an open living apartment.

How we long for the days till we trip over a playmat, a bouncy chair, go sliding across the floor on a rattle and have to take some deep breaths after a nappy change. How I long for sore cracked nipples, headaches caused by vast tiredness. How I long to just want one nights sleep and how I long for those sweet satisfying cuddles, those happy sounds, the warmth knowing you’re there with me. Mine to keep. Except it never be you.

That is the hardest thing to come to terms with. No matter how much healing I go through, no matter if I get a rainbow or not, no matter how much happiness creeps back in my heart will remain broken, a part of my heart missing and empty.  Your pictures will age but you never will. My sweet forever baby you will never be with me until we meet in death.

To know my life must end for our reunion to begin is bittersweet. It’s a day to look forward to but a day I’m lost, a day I leave behind those whose hearts will now break from the space I create by going. But it’s a day that will come no matter how slowly it will arrive and I will see you my beautiful girl and our story can start.

It’s true we want what we can’t have. I will love your brothers for all of time, I will never chose to leave them or give them up to anyone. I will forever chose them over myself and sacrifice myself if the need ever arose. But I will live forever only wanting you. You are my goal you are my prize and nothing will ever compare.

I will learn to live again I will learn to be happy again and I will know my life is great. But it will never be the same again no matter how I try it will be a new life from this day forth. A new kind of same a strange kind of same.

tracy

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