Today marks 7 weeks since I found out. Not quite give it 2 hours and I would have known.
I still can’t think of that day much it’s too hard. The time before I knew makes me feel sick and desperate for some sort of escape. You could say that day haunts me because it truly does.
Knowing Elva had died and carrying her was physically hard but emotionally not so. It didn’t bother me carrying her because I could still have her close and with me. The pregnancy had ended but hadn’t at the same time. Once I knew I was carrying a dead baby it was comforting to have last unique cuddles with her.
Emotionally that day is hard for me. I acted as normal carried on with my typical Friday. Tea was made and decision for Jem to miss kung fu was made ‘just in case’ I needed to go to hospital. But things were said and fact remains I carried her round that day not knowing. It hurts I was right and not believed. The person closest to her and the one whose meant to have an instinct and understands the incoherent babble of her own toddler didn’t know her baby was not ok.
That bothers me I held a friends baby that morning and she’s not even thought about it but it haunts me that I held another baby not knowing mine was too late to save. My nightmare had started and I didn’t know.
Blocking out that day helps separate the day I was pregnant to the day I wasn’t. There was no death day just pregnant then not like we always knew this was the way it needed to be. In time I’ll face it when I handle the sick feeling the fear and the desperation it creates. Thinking of the day scares me for the next time. What if I don’t know again I have to believe it can’t happen again by blocking out the day I carried on as if all was well.
Today we ordered her headstone. It was a good moment to have her bed complete, well the final stage to getting it complete. However I never thought I’d see our family name on a headstone, on a coffin. The name Elva we had since Leif. We’ve wanted a girl called Elva for over 2 years. To see that name on a plaque because our daughter isn’t here is hard to bear.
She is missed so much each day and in many ways each day gets harder. Each day it becomes more normal that she isn’t here and each day it gets harder she isn’t. Every day my head repeats: it was never meant to be this way. At no point did I ever think I would be 1 of 17 who lose a baby to stillbirth EVERY DAY!! Now I’m part of a world you need exclusive entry fee to access. A fee so high that no-one chooses to join no-one willing to pay.
Yet 17 families every day join this exclusive club that no-one wants to join. Stillbirth is more common than cot death yet there’s no campaign in place to reduce it?! probably because it costs more to prevent stillbirth than educate parents on cot death.
We’re currently waiting for the follow up to tell us the exact cause of death. Till then I’ve said very little about it on my blog but I hope to tell the full details soon.