It’s 26 full days till Christmas. Meaning its 27 till Elva’s original due date and 36 full days till her amended due date.

I’m told to enjoy Christmas, relax then see what the new year brings. Another baby basically.

There are SOOOOO many things wrong with just that sentence. Enjoy?! It’s not even 7 weeks since I gave birth to my stillborn child. Enjoy doesn’t feature much at the moment as much as we wish it did. Every breath, every activity has an undercurrent of someone missing.

And I should still have been pregnant yes I’m thinking of another baby but its not for someone else to suggest at all like its the answer to my problems!

Christmas was her due time. The time she would join us. I planned to pop her under the tree the morning after she was born for the boys to find. (not quite under but you get idea). Maybe be a little mean and pop a bow on her clothed belly. Christmas is the time 3 years ago we already did the whole lose a baby get on with it thing. Another Christmas without another child it’s wearing.

It send panic and grief through me to see pictures of santa claus, christmas trees and the excitement. I LOVE this time of year from September through to December it’s my favourite time of year… or it was till this year.

I used to love the changes of the trees. The crisps autumn weather filed with colour. Now I’m only reminded I had an autumn baby who looked beautiful amongst the golden colours.

November brings  the boys birthdays. Time to celebrate when the best 2 things occurred in our lives the best 2 out of 3 things. Yet now it’s bitter sweet. Every year we will included Elva by visiting her grave. Taking her cake she can’t eat, lighting a candle she can’t blow out and setting a party popper off she can’t hear.

Then December. It no longer holds any magic or joy for me. December is the month I fell pregnant and lost the baby within the same time period. December is the time I sat in pain grieving for a baby I never saw or felt. December is  the month my first daughter was due. The month she will never know and never come. It symbolises her first  Christmas. A first, we weren’t sure if she would have this year or next.

So please don’t tell me to enjoy it for my kids I need to enjoy it for me too but I won’t. However after 7 years of being a mum I’m perfectly capable of knowing I need to put a face on for the kids, pretend its all great, grit my teeth and get through. I don’t need telling that.

Maybe spare a thought for how I feel. Imagine your day without one of your kids who do you chose to not be there? Difficult to put that face on now isn’t it. The sad fact is 17 people somewhere in the UK will have a worse Christmas cos they will have a stillbirth on that day. For 17 people Christmas will be ruined forever like it has every year before it.



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