Nope

Last night I leant out the window looked at the stars and said night night Elva. She will surely see the stars where she is and we may be looking at the same one. We’re connected by what we both have. Then a thought struck me did this really happen. I was pregnant, we we’re having a baby that was real?

It’s an odd thing to ask because of course it all happened of course it was all real but for a moment it was normal to be saying night to the stars so my daughter would know, it’s almost normal to feel the deep sadness she isn’t here and it’s almost like we weren’t due a newborn in the house, 3 kids under 7 . When I had my boys I had the sense of will I really have a baby, are those scans real and when I had Leif it took me 6 weeks after birth to suddenly go OMG I had a baby I was pregnant!!!!!! With Jem that never wore off I still think wow I became a mum when and how!!!

In fact with Jem I gave birth and I was like erm why is a baby crying in my living room, then I remembered haha!!! It’s similar with Elva she never cried she never caused us sleepless happy nights only deeply painful ones that are hard to remember also. There’s no proof she was to come here not any more so it’s easy to forget I’ve not long given birth, all the things that matter now didn’t matter in the past because I had a newborn.

I’ve also realised this week luck doesn’t exist there’s no logical explanation why it does. I have children that makes me lucky, I got pregnant with Elva that was lucky yet she died that was unlucky. The two can’t co exist if you’re a lucky person you’re lucky you don’t become unlucky one day then go back to being lucky the next. Its about perception.

You’re only lucky if you enjoy what you have and know how lucky you are. You’re only unlucky if don’t appreciate what you have. It’s awful to think I didn’t truly appreciate what I have. I know how ‘lucky’ I am compared to others but I never really appreciated what I have not till Elva died. Now I do. I’m making great efforts to turn negative into positive and finding ways to combat my silly thoughts. I realise now I appreciate what I have a LOT more and I feel guilty I didn’t before. But as the saying goes you don’t know what you’ve lost till its gone

tracy

 

almost feels unreal

Support

Today is a hard day for many of us so wanted a message to anyone out there  that I’m here and I know how you feel.

Don’t feel pressured to smile, laugh and have fun.

Don’t feel guilty for needing  time to yourself or a little cry.

Don’t feel you have to socialise or be happy.

If anyone needs to talk you can email me at atinybeauty@yahoo.co.uk

tracy

Luck

I’ve learnt there’s no such thing as luck. Good luck and bad luck simply don’t exist.

If they did I wouldn’t have 2 healthy children, I would never have gotten pregnant, I would never have been given the chance to make my time with Elva as perfect as we could.

Since her passing we’ve been shown a lot of kindness and support. This isn’t luck this is proof we’ve made connections, friendships and that those people  feel we deserve some kindness right now. Or maybe it’s not even about us maybe it’s simply the fact when tragedy strikes people are there for you.. well the majority are.

I’ve changed as a person I’m more determined to make myself into someone I like. It’s a slow process but I can feel it happening and I shock myself with it some days. I can say now yes I believe this and there’s not a single seed of doubt there. It feels good. I finally have goals to work towards that I feel are worthwhile, achievable and incorporate past dreams I’ve never felt able to make work.

I’m finally learning life is what you make it, luck is what you create not what you have and it’s all about how you perceive it. There may never be a day I accept Elva’s death and I doubt I’ll ever find  a reason for her death but I can accept this is how it has to be even if I don’t like it and my life now is about making the most of things not taking life for granted any more.

tracy

The story of Elva

When we got pregnant with Leif we had the name Elva as his girl name. So when I got pregnant a 4th time we decided we would still use Elva as the girl name. I was excited to finally use the name and have a little Elva dancing round our house.

We love unusual names that sound ordinary and don’t seem unusual. It means Elf which was so appropriate for our Christmas due baby. At no point when naming you child, buying or creating thing with their name on do you imagine that you their parent will ever put that name on a gravestone. We wanted her stone in for Christmas but now she has it the feelings of numbness  are back.

I wasn’t prepared to see my child’s name on a gravestone. The name I had held for 3 years waiting for a daughter to come along and now it’s gone. She deserves her name, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I vowed to speak her name daily and 10 weeks on it is said multiple times a day.

Not cooed in a babies face, not spoken to others as I introduce my  baby girl, never to be shouted up the stairs to come eat her tea and tidy her room. Never to be on marriage certificate, never to be spoken about a living person. But it is hers and she is talked about a lot.
10881790_320872214787658_1286985844844216596_n

As her due date creeps  ever closer I feel number and number. The silly dreams I had about her coming on Christmas Eve just in time for our Christmas lunch maybe born overnight ready to greet her brothers in the morning as they aren’t sure what to get excited about the most a sister or pile of presents. Instead none of that will happen, no more wonder of when she will arrive, no more hoping she doesn’t come in middle of dinner. Instead it will be exactly the same as last year except a deep sadness bounces around.

I’ve been robbed of true joy. It’s hard to get excited for Christmas without our little Elf here but it’s hard to be totally miserable with 2 excited boys in the house. The excitement and joy from them helps but it also makes it hard because I feel guilty.

However if Elva would want me to be happy for someone she would enjoy seeing the happiness be with my boys and her family knowing we can still be happy, knowing whenever we are happy she is in our thoughts always there never to be gone.

tracy

Stress

I’m soooo stressed out! Christmas is turning into a nightmare, Due dates are creeping closer, pregnancy announcements are appearing and more and more triggers are occurring. Today I remembered I had already planned what to get Elva for Christmas next year now I never can. It was more of a fleeting thought than a plan but I remembered it and it upset me.

I had so much hope, so much future so much happiness gone in an instant. Now I’m having to re-find that happiness that I know is still there but is hard to experience. A future that I never knew was before me and to find some way to make it a good one it can never be better but I have to find a way to make it worthwhile and I think I have a path.

Positives are creeping in even at this awful time and I’m still getting moments were I amaze myself with how positive I can be. For me any amount of positive is a vast amount! The negatives are still there though and they are hard to handle. It’s hard to accept my feelings and not want to apologise for them all the time. I was told it was important for me not to feel guilty about my feelings and to not say sorry for them. They are valid and to be expected if I get upset or need a breather.

However day 1 I thought it was all unreal, day 7 it hit me more and more and I thought I must surely die before this is over because it hurts so much. So many times in the last 10 weeks I’ve felt I can’t survive I simply can’t deal with this or live with this hurt a second longer. Yet somehow I’m still here, I didn’t spontaneously combust, I didn’t melt in a puddle of grief I’m still standing and the days are better than they were, the days are better than I expected them ever to be and certainly not this soon. With that in mind another 10 weeks and  I will be further still.

It’s about recognising the small changes. There will be no big changes there can’t be its so gradual you almost miss the changes. People telling me they see a change gives me a teeny bit of hope that one day I may be able to say yes I’m ok and mean it. But I do have to be patient I do have to give it time and that is even harder to stomach sometimes.

Never compare yourself to others just because one person went back to work almost immediately doesn’t make them stronger than you, just because you need more help with how to deal with emotions doesn’t mean you are weaker so never feel bad for how YOU are dealing with it as long as you make small changes you’re doing well.

So many people are unsure how they would cope with this they can never know till it happens to them but we all deal with things differently and sometimes coping is all you have to keep you moving forward.

Pregnancy and new babies are still hard subjects. They remind me of what was meant to be what was once a happy thing for me and now will forever be associated with tragedy with a sense of balancing on a very thin tight rope. I shut down when pregnancy is mentioned. It’s part jealously but it’s mostly grief. It reminds me of what I failed to do, what I failed to change, my fears, my worries the things that can go wrong. Mention anything similar to my pregnancy and I will run it scares me. It isn’t you its all me.

I’m realising a lot of my insecurities are me and only me. Things I need to work on. No-one is looking at me funny and no-one is thinking bad of me only I am. I’ve also realised other peoples issue with me is rarely my own fault nor is it something I should make into a problem. It’s their own feelings and reactions and its their issue to resolve not mine.

Things are changing Elva is continuing to teach me and I’m determined to make more of myself by trying to be more and more positive to have more faith and do more fulfilling things in my life that don’t involve any sort of gain other than the warm fuzzy feeling Elva’s memory lives on even when it’s unknown.

tracy

 

Don’t judge me

Don’t judge me unless you’ve walked my path

Don’t judge me unless you’ve worn my shoes

Don’t judge me unless you’ve experienced what I have

Don’t judge my choices, choice you can only ever have nightmares about

Don’t judge how I feel or how I react

Don’t pretend to know how I feel and you really think you do then keep it to yourself, unless you’ve been through the same you can’t know its as simple as that

Don’t compare similar events to mine because even similar ones are not the same

Don’t judge my reactions, my emotions and my capabilities

Don’t judge me for choices I make to protect myself

Don’t judge me for seemingly selfish actions

Don’t judge me for not having perfect control over everything

Don’t judge me for not being able to smile and laugh as easily as you

Don’t judge me if today I don’t want to talk some days it’s because I can’t

Don’t judge me for crying randomly without cause you don’t know my triggers you don’t know how easy it is for every little thing to be a trigger

Don’t judge me for not telling you all the gory details

Don’t judge me if I decide you’re just not a good enough friend and I must cut you out my life. If you don’t know why you don’t get to stay

Don’t judge me for doing what I can to survive, for doing what I must to survive even a day

Don’t judge me for not being who I was

Don’t judge me for changes I had no control over

Don’t judge me for this

Don’t judge ME!!

tracy

Time

Time is the only thing to hear you call
Time heals wounds no one can see
Time is the only glue to mend you’re broken heart
Time is the healer when all other healing fails

But time is not a miracle worker
Time does not claim 100% success
Time just promises to help
Time tries to fix what can’t be fixed

Time is the word you begin to most hate
Time is you’re impatience in a slow moving world
Time shows you life and takes it away

Time brings you happiness
Time gives you sadness
Time brings life
And time promises you death

Time changes you beyond recognition
Time takes you away from you
Time causes unrepairable grief but then time makes it feel that much easier