All I get told is time heals, it will get better in time, you need time. Its the single most irritating thing you hear after sorry. But it’s true.
The early days of deep despair not being able to speak or move without crying the overwhelming pain does improve. You learn to laugh at things and feel happy in that moment without guilt. You learn to smile even moments after being sad. You have to somehow its good for the soul.
But you still get more bad days than good the grief is still there through the smiles and it can sometimes creep back upon you tenfold. This is what has been happening to me this week and its been hard to handle when I thought I was approaching a level of ok-ness about it all but in truth it’s never ok. It does get easier to handle but it gets harder and harder before that ease stays in place for a bit of time. I’m not there just yet.
We put our Christmas tree up this week after much fobbing off from me and being driven to buy the tree I had no choice. It’s easier now its up than the thought of doing it. It’s still very sad its up. Many things remind me of what she will never see or do. Buying pretty items for her grave makes me sad too knowing she’ll never truly experience them and some days all feels a little pointless.
It strikes me the things I miss. I won’t ever see the nice things Elva’s smile, laugh, her dance her sing. But then it occurs to me I won’t see her cry, her have a tantrum. She won’t throw up on me and poo at the worst possible moment and that is sad. You suddenly miss things you thought you’d not miss or be glad to get past suddenly you want them.
The fear of having 3 children, 2 only 2 years apart suddenly melt away and you want that. You want to have it back to say its ok I’m glad I’m shattered because at least they’re well.
Instead I’m changing. I’m enjoying being knackered, having Leif poke me in the night because he’s in our bed due to being scared of the rain. Letting the kids stay up a bit later and not get fed up of their noise. Encouraging them to love more fight less. In the past I’d not go to things preferring to have me time now I’ll go along if I’m invited even if I don’t feel I want to go its better than complaining I’m lonely.
Tonight was the first time I’ve been alone and been ok. I read to Jem, made Elva a stocking and now I’m writing before I settle with some crochet and it’s ok I feel fine.