I feel so frustrated today. Sometimes I can’t even tell you why. Sometimes its over Elva sometimes its over wanting another baby.
Sometimes I think of how babies can take time and how I struggle with my patience. I mean after all I was due a baby in a matter of weeks yet now I’ve possibly months of trying ahead plus a pregnancy if I want a baby. It’s not just about wanting any baby it’s about wanting MY baby proving I got this I can have a live birth even though I’ve done it twice before. Then I remember I don’t even really want my baby right now I only want Elva. I feel guilt I didn’t save her somehow and I reminisce how stupid I was, how I didn’t know she needed saving that she needed my help.
I think of that day she had reduced movements and how I didn’t know. I had asked about monitoring movements and never received an answer I felt confident with. I didn’t know how I was meant to know she was having reduced movement and in end I didn’t. It worried me so much and it was a true worry. I knew I wouldn’t know.
I’m scared to carry on some days I feel I can’t cope with this pain for the rest of my life. I feel I can’t mourn her forever then I know I will but it will change as time goes on. Then I feel time is moving too slow and I can’t bear how slow its going I need it to go faster I’m too impatient to take it a day at a time. Then it amazes me how its Thursday once more only seems yesterday it was Friday! Why does everything feel different to how it is really.
Then I dread what’s ahead even though time seems to be moving I feel like it’s not.
Grief definitely makes you feel wacky and not in a good way. Everything is so contradictory and sometimes you have to shut down to stop your mind going loopy, and everyone else going loopy after your trail of verbal diarrhoea.
Over the course of this journey so far I’ve realised how many people are there for support me and love me and who actually care. I’ve also learnt the people who are there most days or seem to care when it comes to the crunch majority don’t actually care and never were friends. Anyone who can’t support you now aren’t worth the energy for smaller traumas.
Stillbirth and child loss is a trauma. Definition of trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, like the death of a child. You are left so numb you struggle to believe if it really happened sometimes.
You certainly feel you just want to get on with your life after this really I’m sick of waiting for stuff to happen I’m sure that will change in time as I stop hating waiting around.