Weekends are the hardest. For 8 weeks I’ve not known why but now I feel I know.
When I found out Elva had died it was a Friday. The following day I was in hospital starting my induction an induction that under normal circumstances would have killed my baby. I dozed a lot and it was all very surreal. The Sunday I was on my own with Leif all day. Weekends remind me our family isn’t complete and never will be. Elva was a huge part of our life before she arrived and for me there’s a very big hole that can never be filled in.
Everywhere we go everything we do she’s not there and its a hard thing to cope with and accept. I get judged for this a lot. By my own family. They’ve seen me along the last 8 weeks (nearly 9) and I tell you it feels a lot longer sometimes. They probably feel I should at least be able to enjoy everything and be upset and down without crying. I’m Elva’s one and only mummy no other person will ever be her Mummy therefore I feel it differently to anyone else in the family including her Daddy. For me it’s taking time to lift the fog.
When I see friends and others out and about even nearly 9 weeks on they are saying how brave I am coming out, how well I’m doing and they NEVER expect me to be ok. This is refreshing. I still cry hen I’m asked if I’m ok because truthfully I will never be able to say yes and mean it. At least not for a while. For so long I was afraid to see others but it’s not as bad as I imagined it to be. It brings a comfort they’re fresh faces to talk about Elva and cry without judgement.
I still feel judged by my family as they watch me talk but I’m learning to ignore that and know I’m doing well. I’m doing better than I was and I’m doing excellent under the circumstances. I’m aware of my limits and I’m controlling myself in public when I’m able. Selfishly I’m also doing better than others. You have to see positives where only negatives appear and as long as those changes occur it doesn’t matter how slow they happen.
This weekend so far is the best yet. I’ve gotten out seen some people had a little cry shown off my daughter and I survived. I bought new clothes for my smaller body which is nice its not my post baby smallness its weight loss smallness. I feel negative and slightly anxious but I’m controlling it. I’m looking forward to an afternoon at home and a snuggly evening in doing some of my favourites things. It’s not perfect but it’s safe.