As it approaches

When I got pregnant my first due date was 27th December. I’ve yet to make it to 40 weeks so we assumed this date was more accurate then 6th January we were given later.

By the later due date tomorrow marks 37 weeks. This date I was looking forward to immensely. Christmas is drawing near, Presents would be wrapped, Christmas films would be on the telly and I would be proudly full and finishing off last minute projects before our bundle arrived.

Instead I’m losing more weight that I ever have and all my clothes fall down, I avoid the Christmas films and the projects I was in the middle of are in the bin because Elva will never need them and it hurts too much to continue.

I imagine how she would look as a fat newborn. When she was born she hadn’t started to lay her fat yet so she was all skin, bone and fluid. She is beautiful but I often how much more beautiful she could have been as a full-term baby. I imagine her noises, her eyes and how she’d perceive her family.

Every activity, every outing seems subdued. We’re aware there is a person missing, a presence, a dream. We often wonder what she would be like, how it would be with an extra person here. When we see other little girls we often think would Elva be running around like this in a few years what would she be like.

It’s a form of torture like no other. It’s a torture you can’t stop because you don’t invite it or accept it. It just occurs and you have to deal with it.

Christmas is creeping up fast this year. We aren’t doing our usual activities we do every year like going to see lights, reindeer’s, markets. In truth we’ve not the energy. Its surprising how hard it is to function and be out and about. You see triggers everywhere and it is tiring with your emotional pain as well as parenting through a loss. In some ways it’s easier to back into a routine quicker and be distracted with children around but it’s also hard because you have to hide a degree of your grief and pain. You have do things you’ve no desire to do right now like get up early and be organised.

Jem is settling down now though. He seems less angry, less upset and ever so slightly (not much) better behaved. Above all else this continues to prove we’re doing something right somehow. He’s moving on by enjoying his life, enjoying the sibling he does have here and with Santa on his way. His biggest worry right now is Does Santa exist?

He enjoys holding our memory doll and tucking her into bed. I feel this helps him he loves when I’ve been pregnant and gets excited like we do so it’s a way for him to feel she’s still with us and he can still care for her somehow.

The days feel easier somehow and some  joy is creeping back in but its still 5 steps forward 4 steps back.

tracy

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