I’m soooo stressed out! Christmas is turning into a nightmare, Due dates are creeping closer, pregnancy announcements are appearing and more and more triggers are occurring. Today I remembered I had already planned what to get Elva for Christmas next year now I never can. It was more of a fleeting thought than a plan but I remembered it and it upset me.

I had so much hope, so much future so much happiness gone in an instant. Now I’m having to re-find that happiness that I know is still there but is hard to experience. A future that I never knew was before me and to find some way to make it a good one it can never be better but I have to find a way to make it worthwhile and I think I have a path.

Positives are creeping in even at this awful time and I’m still getting moments were I amaze myself with how positive I can be. For me any amount of positive is a vast amount! The negatives are still there though and they are hard to handle. It’s hard to accept my feelings and not want to apologise for them all the time. I was told it was important for me not to feel guilty about my feelings and to not say sorry for them. They are valid and to be expected if I get upset or need a breather.

However day 1 I thought it was all unreal, day 7 it hit me more and more and I thought I must surely die before this is over because it hurts so much. So many times in the last 10 weeks I’ve felt I can’t survive I simply can’t deal with this or live with this hurt a second longer. Yet somehow I’m still here, I didn’t spontaneously combust, I didn’t melt in a puddle of grief I’m still standing and the days are better than they were, the days are better than I expected them ever to be and certainly not this soon. With that in mind another 10 weeks and  I will be further still.

It’s about recognising the small changes. There will be no big changes there can’t be its so gradual you almost miss the changes. People telling me they see a change gives me a teeny bit of hope that one day I may be able to say yes I’m ok and mean it. But I do have to be patient I do have to give it time and that is even harder to stomach sometimes.

Never compare yourself to others just because one person went back to work almost immediately doesn’t make them stronger than you, just because you need more help with how to deal with emotions doesn’t mean you are weaker so never feel bad for how YOU are dealing with it as long as you make small changes you’re doing well.

So many people are unsure how they would cope with this they can never know till it happens to them but we all deal with things differently and sometimes coping is all you have to keep you moving forward.

Pregnancy and new babies are still hard subjects. They remind me of what was meant to be what was once a happy thing for me and now will forever be associated with tragedy with a sense of balancing on a very thin tight rope. I shut down when pregnancy is mentioned. It’s part jealously but it’s mostly grief. It reminds me of what I failed to do, what I failed to change, my fears, my worries the things that can go wrong. Mention anything similar to my pregnancy and I will run it scares me. It isn’t you its all me.

I’m realising a lot of my insecurities are me and only me. Things I need to work on. No-one is looking at me funny and no-one is thinking bad of me only I am. I’ve also realised other peoples issue with me is rarely my own fault nor is it something I should make into a problem. It’s their own feelings and reactions and its their issue to resolve not mine.

Things are changing Elva is continuing to teach me and I’m determined to make more of myself by trying to be more and more positive to have more faith and do more fulfilling things in my life that don’t involve any sort of gain other than the warm fuzzy feeling Elva’s memory lives on even when it’s unknown.




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