When we got pregnant with Leif we had the name Elva as his girl name. So when I got pregnant a 4th time we decided we would still use Elva as the girl name. I was excited to finally use the name and have a little Elva dancing round our house.
We love unusual names that sound ordinary and don’t seem unusual. It means Elf which was so appropriate for our Christmas due baby. At no point when naming you child, buying or creating thing with their name on do you imagine that you their parent will ever put that name on a gravestone. We wanted her stone in for Christmas but now she has it the feelings of numbness are back.
I wasn’t prepared to see my child’s name on a gravestone. The name I had held for 3 years waiting for a daughter to come along and now it’s gone. She deserves her name, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I vowed to speak her name daily and 10 weeks on it is said multiple times a day.
Not cooed in a babies face, not spoken to others as I introduce my baby girl, never to be shouted up the stairs to come eat her tea and tidy her room. Never to be on marriage certificate, never to be spoken about a living person. But it is hers and she is talked about a lot.
As her due date creeps ever closer I feel number and number. The silly dreams I had about her coming on Christmas Eve just in time for our Christmas lunch maybe born overnight ready to greet her brothers in the morning as they aren’t sure what to get excited about the most a sister or pile of presents. Instead none of that will happen, no more wonder of when she will arrive, no more hoping she doesn’t come in middle of dinner. Instead it will be exactly the same as last year except a deep sadness bounces around.
I’ve been robbed of true joy. It’s hard to get excited for Christmas without our little Elf here but it’s hard to be totally miserable with 2 excited boys in the house. The excitement and joy from them helps but it also makes it hard because I feel guilty.
However if Elva would want me to be happy for someone she would enjoy seeing the happiness be with my boys and her family knowing we can still be happy, knowing whenever we are happy she is in our thoughts always there never to be gone.