Last night I leant out the window looked at the stars and said night night Elva. She will surely see the stars where she is and we may be looking at the same one. We’re connected by what we both have. Then a thought struck me did this really happen. I was pregnant, we we’re having a baby that was real?

It’s an odd thing to ask because of course it all happened of course it was all real but for a moment it was normal to be saying night to the stars so my daughter would know, it’s almost normal to feel the deep sadness she isn’t here and it’s almost like we weren’t due a newborn in the house, 3 kids under 7 . When I had my boys I had the sense of will I really have a baby, are those scans real and when I had Leif it took me 6 weeks after birth to suddenly go OMG I had a baby I was pregnant!!!!!! With Jem that never wore off I still think wow I became a mum when and how!!!

In fact with Jem I gave birth and I was like erm why is a baby crying in my living room, then I remembered haha!!! It’s similar with Elva she never cried she never caused us sleepless happy nights only deeply painful ones that are hard to remember also. There’s no proof she was to come here not any more so it’s easy to forget I’ve not long given birth, all the things that matter now didn’t matter in the past because I had a newborn.

I’ve also realised this week luck doesn’t exist there’s no logical explanation why it does. I have children that makes me lucky, I got pregnant with Elva that was lucky yet she died that was unlucky. The two can’t co exist if you’re a lucky person you’re lucky you don’t become unlucky one day then go back to being lucky the next. Its about perception.

You’re only lucky if you enjoy what you have and know how lucky you are. You’re only unlucky if don’t appreciate what you have. It’s awful to think I didn’t truly appreciate what I have. I know how ‘lucky’ I am compared to others but I never really appreciated what I have not till Elva died. Now I do. I’m making great efforts to turn negative into positive and finding ways to combat my silly thoughts. I realise now I appreciate what I have a LOT more and I feel guilty I didn’t before. But as the saying goes you don’t know what you’ve lost till its gone



almost feels unreal


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