Today is unremarkable. Friday gone marks 12 weeks since she died, Monday marked 12 weeks since she was born, Tuesday (yesterday) marked her due date (the second one and one hospital were following) today we found how the answer to the whys and Saturday will be 3 months since she died.

It’s hard knowing she would have been here by now, I should be proudly showing her off, indulging in pink, snuggly baby cuddles and being waited on a little. Instead its business as usual with a huge hole following me round.

Today we found out why Elva died. Asked some of the what if questions and went over concerns.

They said infection was absent, chromosome problems were ruled out also. They blamed her weight on her death. She was approx. 2-3 weeks behind and had been consistently. So I asked what could have caused that. Although placenta was considered normal its likely there was some placental deficiency causing her to slow grow.

The discharge notes showed a velamentous cord insertion was present. Although the consultant considered this not an issue and unlikely to be related based on evidence out there this could be a contributing factor to her slow weight gain and ultimately her death. There was no sign of haemorrhage despite having a huge blood clot so that’s unlikely to have been caused by placenta.

If they had spotted any concerns at the 26 week growth scan I didn’t attend the decision to deliver Elva would not have been easy. They would have needed to consider the fact she was 26 weeks for a start, then the consideration her weight was that of a 23-24 week baby which is the cusp of viability her chances of survival were slim, her chances of survival without huge problems even slimmer. We would rather have her with issues than not here but likely she would have suffered based on other early babies. She could have been delivered and died later on in hospital.

We will never know the answers to what if, its purely speculation but most likely based on the fact they saw no huge concerns and there were mistakes along the way she didn’t have high enough chances on her own. It comforts me if she was to die she died in the womb in a safe place where she felt happy with her mummy the person who knew her the most in some way the only one who knew her fully. She didn’t struggle for breath, she felt no pain she will have simply fallen asleep and never woken up. She wouldn’t know she was dying and she wouldn’t be aware she would never meet us. Its an odd comfort but given the choice I’m sure any mother would rather their baby didn’t suffer.

They have said they would class me as high risk next time and would give me extra scans but the way it was laid out I don’t find it much comfort right now. I feel like they wouldn’t be concerned enough and would only take Elva into consideration after 20 weeks. Rightfully they could do little before 24 weeks but as a parent you would hope to know more in the early stages and maybe be scanned more to see your baby but this doesn’t seem case and this does scare me a little.

Maybe it’s my lesson to have faith in their care and trust my body but when I’m a bad pregnant woman with my fears anyway I do feel I need more.

They admitted she was measuring small from the start but if next baby measured small from start they wouldn’t be concerned unless was more than 2 weeks and until 20 weeks simply due to fact they could do nothing. I however would like to think if baby measured consistently small they would want to keep a closer eye on me. This is something to deal with at the time but it does scare me a little although hasn’t put me off a rainbow just yet.

Now I don’t know where to go. I thought I wanted to make a complaint now I’m unsure I can be bothered and I’m unsure who to complain to. But I feel the need to outline some issues I have that although I don’t feel directly contributed to Elva’s death I feel didn’t help and increased my guilt and what ifs. What ifs I can never have answered.

I would anything to get this little girl back for this to have been so very different. But it can’t be and whether I like it or not I no choice but to accept that and just continue to love her anyway.



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