Hate

Today I hate myself. More so than usual.

This time 3 months ago Elva was alive I heard her heartbeat for the last time.

I feel I could have done so much more for her, I feel I failed to listen to my intuition telling me something was wrong I chose to listen to those telling me I was too negative and finding cause to worry. I trusted the wrong people.

I didn’t trust myself I allowed others to convince me I was being paranoid I tried too hard to be positive. I didn’t help her when she most needed me. I ask myself constantly WHY did I not do something!! HOW did I not know!

Wishing to go back does me no good but occasionally I allow myself to think about the what if of that. I’m angry this happened. I don’t blame anyone I don’t even really blame myself but somehow I feel I failed everyone. I failed my boys I failed my partner and my family.

I thought I was doing my best at the time I honestly did but it wasn’t enough in the end.

When we went to found out the cause of death I was asked if i was there for a scan and in front of 3 midwives a heavily pregnant woman and her partner I had to say no I’m here to find out why my baby died. I felt bar the woman behind me but I felt anger for myself. Why should I be in the maternity bit with people waiting on scans looking happy when my baby wasn’t given a chance.

Why should I be the one to point out in public babies die.

Tomorrow I hope to hate myself a little less again.

tracy

 

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