What do you see?

As you see me standing on my own wondering why I won’t come over what do you see? An antisocial person who blames the world for her problems?

What should you see? A struggling mother who knows how lucky she is but whose heart breaks every second of every day for no other reason than she loves ALL her children and she had no choice but to give one back. A choice she could never have made a choice she should never have had to make and a choice she is struggling to live with.

As you scroll on past not wanting to look at me not wanting to say hello but also not wanting to ignore me what do you see? Do you see a person you should avoid in case child death is catching? A person who will obviously talk to you about something you don’t? Do you see someone you aren’t sure what to say to?

What should you see? A person who doesn’t want to be ‘ the one whose baby died’. The one who doesn’t want everyone to ignore what happen. She is the mother who has no baby to show off she is the one who everyone pretends she had no baby. She is the person who wants just that one person to say hi congratulations but also I’m sorry. What is her name, what did she look like can I see? But no one does. I think of her every second of every day I see her face in everything I do. You can’t simply make me forget by pretending I don’t exist. You can’t remind me of my hurt by saying hello. It’s there anyway!

As you walk past the buildings, along the roads experiencing your life what do you see? what do you feel?

I see places I went with my bump, I see places I wanted to take my baby. I see times and events I wish I could have once again if it meant my baby alive within me. As you walk past that pretty church, the one connected to that school you pick your child up from, the one you never go inside of, you see a building. What do I see?! I see my baby in my bump at the group I last went to with her. The one where I didn’t know she had gone, the one I realised something was wrong. I see the journey we took as we carried her coffin up that path, up that aisle and round the back. Round the back my baby lies forever. Forever asleep, forever silent. There lies a headstone with my child’s name on. A name I had for years. A name I never wanted to see etched in stone with a birth date on and no other because you can’t put a death date before a birth on it isn’t normal.

I see memories, I see triggers, I feel hurt and anger at the world. I see a world I thought I knew , a world I no longer trust and not sure I will. I see you all happy content naive. I see your faces not 100% happy but deep down I know you are because you don’t have my hurt. You can’t truly know what unhappiness is but I do.

I know what it feels to have something so precious torn away from you, with no choice no options and no going back. There’s no solution, no better place nothing. I can only hope for time to heal me enough I can live my life with some regained trust and faith.

tracy

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