People stop talking

One thing I’ve noticed more and more is peoples reaction.

If I say I lost a baby in pregnancy its like it’s not that bad. It’s like it’s ‘just’ a miscarriage and not really like a baby.

If I say I lost a child I get asked how. When I explain it’s like oh ok.

If I say I lost my daughter it’s assumed she lived, its assumed I knew all there was to know.

But every time people stop talking. They say they don’t know what to say, they are scared of upsetting me but to stop is so much worse.

I feel like an outcast, I feel I did something wrong. I feel everyone knows I did something wrong and I’m somehow being judged.

I feel like I’m now the woman who lost a baby, the upset sad person who needs to be treated like a precious item. So precious you chose to avoid it altogether?

Usually when you meet someone or know them you start with hello? Just because my child died I suddenly don’t even deserve that?

When people explain why they haven’t been in touch they say I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to upset you more? How can I be upset more. Nothing worse could happen to me except the same event replaying nothing worse could possibly occur trust me! Even your beautiful round bump can’t upset me as much as what I’ve been through but not everyone who avoids me is pregnant.

I’m sick of giving others leeway. I’m bored of being fed excuses and being expected to swallow them. You know me I’m still a human being, I’m not me anymore but in many ways I am still me I still deserve a hello.

The one who do talk to me say I don’t know what to say but I’m here and I’m sorry for your loss. If they can use their lack of words to speak to me everyone else can. The one’s who don’t speak do so because they don’t want to.

Just because my child isn’t here doesn’t mean I deserve this.

You’d think I would be angry at Elva she is the one who isn’t here, her death in some regards cause this. But no I’m not I’m glad I was shown this in many ways. I no longer live amongst bulls**t . I no longer live a life where people pretend they like me or care.

I now live in a world where genuine people, the one’s who truly care show me. The one’s who are the best they can be prove it and the one’s who never really cared and only seek to make themselves happy they keep away from me and I’m grateful for that.

I’ve never felt so insecure and anxious but I’ve also never felt more cared for as I have since she died.

tracy

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