Fragile

I’m sick of seeing posts all over Facebook along lines of: I’m expecting what can I make, My friend is due a baby soon what can I get her and all these posts are about babies due in months time.

I had 3 months. Perfect time to start sorting, buying stuff making things except it was all for nothing! Women lose babies at term and need nothing.

I can’t help thinking we have no clue of the fragility of life how nothing is guaranteed. We have no idea how babies are a true miracle. We’ve learn to have sex, get pregnant have a baby. We never expect problems, we never except we might be the 1 in 4 that miscarry or the 1 in 17 that have a stillbirth. We assume everything in our life.

I silently scream make nothing, buy nothing, you’re baby could die any moment like mine like the 16 other babies that were born sleeping that same day. But of course I can’t point out that fact. Just because my baby died doesn’t mean theirs will and it also doesn’t mean they want to be faced with the naked truth of life.

Death occurs we know but we never truly face it we expect old people to die, those in terrible accidents not babies dying before they’ve even breathed or make a sound. Silent babies in so many ways. I don’t want to be the one to point out this can happen and will happen to someone close to them one day. Many people probably hadn’t knowing anyone this had happened to till I lost Elva and now they do know someone. Now they know how common it actually is.

So instead I suggest a blanket is a good first item. A blanket is the item I made for Leif and Elva in the early months of my pregnancy with the thought of if the worse happens I can still use it. Not for one single moment till I think I was making either blanket for that reason. In the end I was. I spent hours upon hours upon hours making Elva’s blankets. Probably weeks. One blanket is in a a bag in the loft never used. The other was used for 40 hours and is now placed in a sealed bag to never be used again. All that hard work for it to be sat unseen. It was worth it but it is still sad.

We now have a higher appreciation for our life. We have better things to worry about than a broken fridge or what the neighbours nieces cat is doing. As we sit stressed out from being tired, slowly going deaf from shouting kids and wishing our youngest would just go. to. sleep. we smile knowing how lucky we are and we laugh to ourselves at their naughty cheekiness because we will never have this with Elva and it is something that darkens each day.

To hear Elva cry, to see her smile, to see her just look at me knowing she can see me even to smell a rank nappy is stuff I can’t have but I wish for every day. So when our baby has done their 20th poo of the day, you feel cranky and tired, sick of doing this imagine not doing this at all ever imagine the happy times gone then pull up your socks smile and change that nappy with happiness.

tracy

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