Hurting Heart

Despite all I know (which isn’t a lot) about premmie babies survival I can’t help feel my baby would have made it if only she had the chance. You see so many babies make it it doesn’t help to know she may not have.

The hospital are so sure at her weight she wouldn’t have but they can’t know for sure.

It’s times like this I feel I can’t forgive myself. I feel the weight of the guilt I carry. I sometimes feel I never gave her chance whilst knowing at the time I was doing what I thought was best for her for us both. Even the consultant understood my reasons for cancelling the growth scan and I think for first time it made me feel a bit better a doctor saying yes I get it with full sincerity  knowing my reasons were valid.

Yet I still ache with the weight of the what ifs. The things I can never know because it’s too late. Despite doing all I could at the time it’s seems theres more I should have done I just didn’t know I need to.

You bumble through your days thinking you know what I feel ok today I can’t survive today then there’s ALWAYS something to kick you in the gut! Wednesday it was a step by step pregnancy book just caught my eye, Thursday it was refinding the pregnancy book I bought long before I knew Elva was there, Other times it’s bumps, pregnancy announcements, a name reminding you of a past memory and other times it’s seeing stories or pictures of babies born the same weight and/or gestation and surviving.

You can’t escape the triggers. They remind you of how you used to feel, what you thought was going to happen and what actually did happen. They remind you there’s no such thing as carefree for you any more. They remind you of the what if’s, the should have beens, the I want’s.

My heart hurts daily when I think of how I failed my daughter, how I failed my kids and Elva’s dad. I became a part of a world I wanted no part in and yet I feel somehow I should have done more to avoid. Many parents feel guilt often for no reason. Many stillbirths are caused by things you simply have no control over and no time to fix or prevent. In some ways Elva’s was uncontrollable but so many other ways it wasn’t. I have to carry the burden that I could have prevented this by my actions alone.

Being told one thing at the time and another after is all very well and just fuels the guilt. In reality at the time I was worried I wasn’t doing my best yet I chose to do nothing more I chose to continue the path I was following. Everything was MY choice and mine alone. I failed big time.

However I can’t change it. I know it may never have gone a better way. I know she may not have survived or events may not have ever come together to ensure her survival but it’s part of that what if’s I will never know what the outcome would have been if I’d the list of things I feel now I should have done then. I can’t change this or make it better. I can’t replace her I can only ensure the survival of Elva’s siblings. This doesn’t make up for her death but to have her die and not use her death to help others would make her short life worthless in my eyes.

Using what I know now to make sure I never lose another child is something I would want if I was her.

My heart will hurt forever. Nothing can heal that and my heart is forever broken. To be with one child I’d have to leave others behind. No matter what happens in my life I can never have all of my kids together at any one time until the day we all die. Even then I’m aware they would leave behind their own life they’ve built up, family and friends who love them. People I won’t know but will know my children and miss them.

I can never win this game of life and death. There will always be a piece missing

tracy

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